Killing urges

[MrAlex]

CDG is an amazing site! I've been on an journey of self-discovery since I joined a month ago. Pictures like this are what chiefly turn me on:



One of the guys here (who has given me a lot of encouragement and advice) warned me - when I admitted to him that I really powerfully visualized doing this sort of thing to my boyfriend after sex - that I was suffering from 'killing urges'. What he told me about these urges has got me deeply concerned. (Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. I want and need to know the truth about myself.) Apparently the pics I like are not merely a turn-on for me, they are images of what I would actually like to do to my boyfriend...

I would rather be DEAD than do this to a guy! In future I will choose my sexual partners only from men who are much stronger than I am and able to defend themselves if I attack them!

What I desperately need to find out is: by jerking over pics like this, am I defusing my urges - giving them a safe outlet? Or are those urges actually being reinforced and strengthened by what I am doing?

Really and truly, guys, I HAVE to find out whether I am safe to be with! If any of you has an observation to make, or advice to give, I would be most deeply grateful.

Alex, who values your insights more deeply than he can say.

 

[deaddirty]

That's scared me sometimes - not that I might do it myself (my urges don't run quite that way) but that we could lead someone on thinking it's fantasy when it's real or turns real. Generalkly I thuink we're far too smart to do that, though.
As to whether you're defusing or reinforcing your urges - my guess is that 99 times out of 100 we defuse them, give them a harmless outlet - but maybe it can go the other way. I'd guess you're pretty safe to be with in reality - but if you do find any urges to do things for real are increasing then STOP!

 

[Meatpie]

You are one fucked up dude Alex and you need help. I am not sure if you can get it online.

You have to learn to control your morbid thoughts otherwise you are in trouble.

Here is a piece of advice - for temporary relief jack several times a day.

If nothing helps and it gets worse:

1. Lock yourself in your room.
2. Get a strong rope.
3. Undress yourself stark naked.
4. Write a letter to your parents saying it's not their fault and no one bullied you.
5. Step barefoot on a chair, put a noose one, then kick the chair.
6. Not difficult at all and this is the only sure way you can get rid of these awful thoughts.

 

[MrAlex]

@deaddirty

Thanks pal for your kindness. I would have been quite reassured by your comment, if it weren't for what Meatpie has had to say.

Meatpie, is it really as bad as that? You've scared the living shit out of me. What's more, you've broken my heart.

I came here looking for friendship and understanding from like-minded guys, only to find that you guys are NOT like-minded.

How could you say that stuff to me about topping myself, Boss? How could you? Am I really so pitiful and disgusting? I looked up to you and I liked you - I thought that you liked me. I'm Not a bad person! I love my Dad, and the sun on my face, and my studies and my fudgepacking crazy buddies - I was even part-way to loving YOU! I'm really sensitive and intelligent, ask everybody who knows me. I can't help it if this potential fucking disaster is hot-wired to go off in my head! I didn't put it there!

Oh God I don't know what to do - I simply don't know what to do...

 

[Meatpie]

Yes pal, it's bad but we are here to help.

Don't lose it, stay focused on your studies and enjoy the things you want to do.

When I was 19 I had a girlfriend and I brought her home so that she could meet with my parents, and I proposed to her.

I really wanted to have a girlfriend, wanted to fuck her have kids and have a family and be normal.

That stupid bitch later dumped me for another guy.

I told her that I was gonna become gay and she laughed.

From then on I started fucking guys but never was into that sick fantasy thing until I was around 20 something.

You are too young to have these thoughts.

You are really messed up.

 

[MrAlex]

Thanks Boss! Sorry for starting to sound a bit hysterical there.

Stay focussed on the good stuff? Yes, that could be a way forward. Yes, that COULD help.

I know I'm messed up. Oh man, do I know it!

 

[Meatpie]

There are no ready anwsers, I am sure you will find a way to control these feelings.

Talk with the guys here, some have had similar experiences and might be able to give you some advice.

I started a thread dedicated to you in Gore Images, did you see it?

 

[MrAlex]

No I didn't see it. I'll look for it now.

 

[Meatpie]

Take your time, boss.

 

[stustustugoo]

oh alex,
just take a chill pill.....
RELAX........................

 

[MrAlex]

I've just taken two, stustustugoo.

I'm going to beat this shit, you see if I don't, with the encouragement of cool dudes like yourself...

 

[deaddirty]

@deaddirty

Thanks pal for your kindness. I would have been quite reassured by your comment, if it weren't for what Meatpie has had to say.

Thanks alex. Hang on in there, erm, maybe not the best wording after what Meatpie said, but u know what i mean! And fine to pvt me if you want to talk! (But won't be on long tonight, need my tea and a shower)

 

[Meatpie]

 

[ColdJoe]

It's been studied since time immemorial, man's inherit, basic instinct to kill indiscriminately or through necessity.
Experts in the field have written that with our great propensity to do violence to one another they're surprised there isn't more of it, proving there's something that keeps us all in check for the most part.
But remember Alex, there's a difference between violent crime and sexual crime.
The end results are the same but the pay off completely opposite.

I believe the worst thing any of us can do is suppress our True Realities.
Suppression, breeds depression and a stunted and skewed growth.
Celebrate who you are, be who you're supposed to be, within reason of course.
If your current partner/s aren't up to playing out the games you need to, then find someone else, it's a big world.

It's a bit self centered and somewhat narcissistic to be so focused on ones self.
You have all the answers you need inside.
When we go looking for anwswers outside of ourself we give our power away.
If you go somewhere quiet, and think about it, everything will come to you.
In the meantime, your discussion makes for good entertainment, so thanks for that.

 

[MrAlex]

It's a bit self centered and somewhat narcissistic to be so focused on ones self.
You have all the answers you need inside.
When we go looking for anwswers outside of ourself we give our power away.
If you go somewhere quiet, and think about it, everything will come to you.

Hey ColdJoe, that is sound advice. Thank you so much! I've got myself into a hysterical, self-hating mindset at the moment. I need to snap out of it and grow up! When I re-read my yesterday's post - the one where I started yowling at Meatpie that he'd broken my heart - man, I was so fucking mortified I nearly wept!

You know, ColdJoe, I'm the classic narcissist. I not only contemplate my navel, I regularly crawl up my own ass. If I had an identical twin I'd shag him and feel like I was screwing myself! Fucking WOW man! That would be so cool!

Thanks again! Alex

 

[MrAlex]

Thanks alex. Hang on in there, erm, maybe not the best wording after what Meatpie said, but u know what i mean! And fine to pvt me if you want to talk! (But won't be on long tonight, need my tea and a shower)

Kind offer man, and I really want to talk. I'll be in touch tomorrow, when I've had a chance to cool down a bit more.

Alex )

 

[Meatpie]

19 is a difficult age for guys, a lot of guys die at 19.

You will pull through m8.

 

[MrAlex]

 

[MrAlex]

Good morning everybody!

I've decided to work really hard at empowering my compassionate feminine side, as a sort of firewall to keep my pesky urges at bay. I was up half the night writing a poem - a fucking poem for Christ's sake! - about a soldier killed in Iraq. Here it is:

AMERICAN SOLDIER

the eyes are eaten first,
close them
say...
he is asleep.
gentle smiling soldier sleep.
oh believe it!
so soft asleep
with PATRIOT for a pillow,
lay BELIEVER over him
for a blanket
and here, here
COUNTRY, GOD
two kisses for his hands.
dream he is home,
gentle sorrowful AMERICA is his bed,
but oh, the pity of it,
terrible...
the
terrible pity!
oh my dear friends...

Here's a pic to go with the poem:



I also found a pic that nearly made me cry:



It shows a boy watching a public execution in Iran, and proves that not all the people in that benighted country are cruel and murderous beasts. The older guy too, with his sad, bewildered expression - he looks like he has a good heart.

I don't know which execution it is. Maybe it's the one of the two gay teenagers, and the crying boy is gay too. If he is, I hope the defenders of Islam don't find out and come after him. Even gays deserve their time in the sun.

Islam sucks! It fucking SUCKS!!

ColdJoe, I said I would follow your advice, but I haven't exactly done so yet, have I not? I will from now on though, I promise you sir! This is the last time that Alex crawls up his own ass in public!

 

[Meatpie]

Iran is a horrible country, if the US wasn't hit by the Great Depression the Americans would surely have attacked them.