Murder urges

[Little.Boy.Rot]

Edge of oblivion

So, I've been fantasizing way to much on the subject of killing another person.
I've actually come to realize I could do it.
Which is kinda scary.
I'm a really sweet kind hearted person, on most days.
But It feels like there is a monster in me.
One who wants to cut, shred, examine, romance someone til death.
I'm not sure if I should seek help.
Maybe I should before its to late?

Maybe you guys can help?
Ever fantisize about killing someone?
How does it make you feel after your done with it?
How do you cope if you do?

Eh..
I could do it, if I wasn't afraid of getting caught..
Fuck!
​

 

[Meatpie]

We have several threads about killing urges, search for them and read.

This site is not meant for serial killers so if you really plan on killing someone you could be in trouble.

While most of us have sick fantasies, talking about hurting other people even as a joke is prohibited.

You are not the only one who has such fantasies - many people do and its normal.

But if these desires are hard to control, you think about killing someone all day you should seek professional help.

We can't help you here if you have reached that point.

Hurting another human is wrong.

If you want to cut or dissect take up a morgue job but don't fucking hurt anyone.

Don't be ashamed to seek a morgue job.

People who work in morgues are down-to-earth and no one would laugh at you for what you want to do.

Its a hard job, physically and mentally demanding.

You should be pepared for the worst kind of trauma possible...and the smell.

Ohhh the smell of decomposition is just out of this world.

 

[Little.Boy.Rot]

In response

We have several threads about killing urges, search for them and read.
This site is not meant for serial killers so if you really plan on killing someone you could be in trouble.\
While most of us have sick fantasies, talking about hurting other people even as a joke is prohibited.
You are not the only one who has such fantasies - many people do and its normal.
But if these desires are hard to control, you think about killing someone all day you should seek professional help.
We can't help you here if you have reached that point.
Hurting another human is wrong.
If you want to cut or dissect take up a morgue job but don't fucking hurt anyone.
Don't be ashamed to seek a morgue job.
People who work in morgues are down-to-earth and no one would laugh at you for what you want to do.
Its a hard job, physically and mentally demanding.
You should be pepared for the worst kind of trauma possible...and the smell.
Ohhh the smell of decomposition is just out of this world.

I can see what your saying.
I haven't done anything illegal as of yet.
I know the ramifications of such actions.
Yet, it seems that I'm different.
My feelings are what spurns me, but my thoughts are like the education to push me forward.
I don't have the money to seek a therapist, which sucks.
I'd like too.
I can within my mind say that I'm insane in these thoughts.
That not even in my juxtaposition can I find release.
The economy is shit, my life is like a coaster.
The only thing keeping me from tilting back into inky black is my book I'm writing.
I don't know what point I've reached.
But from a purely clinical retort back, what makes killing humans wrong?
You all revel and grovel in others murder, and deaths.
Arn't you a murder as well?
Participating in the delight of their death?
I think so.
We as a community see Death as Beautiful.
Another step in human disjunction.
I take no shame in wanting a morgue job.
I've seen the things in a morgue.
I know there more contained then what you've seen.
In person.
Which is one quality I admire in you.
That you took it to the very brink and came back.
Damaged but back none the less.
I'm sure I will one day see such things.

But I cannot deny.
I have this urge in me that wants to steal a soul and rip it apart from it's shell.
My dreams are filled with gore, murder, death, zombies and apocalypses of one nature to another.
I am sexually frustrated with everyone.
I'm suicidal constantly because of depression and insanity.
I killed a stray cat a week ago by accident, and yet.....i still feel no remorse. I if anything feel a thrill from it.
I love animals don't get me wrong.
Its not the joy of killing a animal but the joy of killing something that was moments before teaming with life.
This memory assaults me, the feeling overtaking me.
My necrophilia has intensified to a more complex taste in my mouth and body.

A dear friend suggested to keep holding onto the outlet of writing this book.....
Yet...I don't know...
I'm losing control...
Which scares me...
I mean Meatpie, can you understand this.?


​

 

[Meatpie]

First off, that small purple font you use is almost unreadable.

I cannot understand you mate but I will try to help you.

Where is Blake btw, in times of crisis its best to have someone around, it will keep bad thoughts away.

Don't isolate yourself.

Its great that you post on cdg, that will relieve some of the pressue.

I had no idea you were hardup for money.

:sm (41):

How much does a visit to a shrink cost in the US?

You have to accept that all gay necros experience crisis from time to time.

You are still young that is why they are so severe and make you so confused.

Learn to control your feelings and don't hurt yourself or anyone around you because such actions can have lasting consequences.

Depression is a devastating illness but you will feel better in a few days.

When I had a boyfriend and I job I felt happy and didn't have morbid thoughts.

But since things got fucked up I too am not doing very well myself.

I have mood swings, I am bipolar.

Talk to Blake, fuck him hard I believe that would make you feel a little better.

I have a question, do you desire to kill others, or you want to kill yourself or both?

Erich Fromm says that all humans are innately destructive because they release they are gonna die in this universe, the universe will crush us.

Peolpe react to this realization differently.

He says people either destroy themselves or try to destroy the universe and everything around them.

This is one reason why wars have been waged, reason for murder and suicide.

You either turn this destructiveness towards yourself or you turn against the world - killing and bringing mayhem.

For all our lives we struggle to control these feelings.

 

[Little.Boy.Rot]

First off, that small purple font you use is almost unreadable.
I cannot understand you mate but I will try to help you.
Where is Blake btw, in times of crisis its best to have someone around, it will keep bad thoughts away.
Don't isolate yourself.
Its great that you post on cdg, that will relieve some of the pressue.
I had no idea you were hardup for money.
:sm (41):
How much does a visit to a shrink cost in the US?
You have to accept that all gay necros experience crisis from time to time.
You are still young that is why they are so severe and make you so confused.
Learn to control your feelings and don't hurt yourself or anyone around you because such actions can have lasting consequences.
Depression is a devastating illness but you will feel better in a few days.
When I had a boyfriend and I job I felt happy and didn't have morbid thoughts.
But since things got fucked up I too am not doing very well myself.\
I have mood swings, I am bipolar.
Talk to Blake, fuck him hard I believe that would make you feel a little better.
I have a question, do you desire to kill others, or you want to kill yourself or both?
Erich Fromm says that all humans are innately destructive because they release they are gonna die in this universe, the universe will crush us.Peolpe react to this realization differently.
He says people either destroy themselves or try to destroy the universe and everything around them.
This is one reason why wars have been waged, reason for murder and suicide.
You either turn this destructiveness towards yourself or you turn against the world - killing and bringing mayhem.
For all our lives we struggle to control these feelings.

Sorry, I will stop using that color.
Very few seem to be able to understand me truely.
Which is in itself, infuriating.
That some can touch on how you feel, scrape on what you're drowning into.
Blake and me been having problems.
He is afraid that I will kill him or try to get him to kill me.
So he's been distant.
Now my other bf Ryder is the same way, but he's afraid to leave my side because he does't know what I will do.
Well the cost can range to 100 dollars to 500 to even more.
I don't have anywhere near that much money.
Since I've been real sick with my illness.
All money that I get goes to bills, treatment and food which i can barely even afford these days.

I'm trying Meaty.
I've hidden anything that I could use or inspire me to do something diabolical.
I am young yes, I don't know.
I'll be 20 in a month or so.
Which sucks.
I don't want to grow up.
Not fear of death, but of narcissistic principles.
Aging is despicable.
But I have to endure it..
I'm sorry your suffering too.
I know being bipolar sucks.
I get that way too.
I can feel it.
I'm a empath.
Which is a curse as of now.

I can't fuck Blake, he won't let me see him or even be near him right now.
He's afraid...
Its both.
I want to hold beauty and life in my arms and destroy it.
I want to suffer onto others my twisted anguish.
I guess apart of me is dead.
Wishing the breathing part would as well.
I feel like I'm drowning in the torment.​

 

[Meatpie]

Why is Blake afraid you are gonna kill him?

Have you threatened him or beaten him up? Are you violent towards other people?

What a mess if all this is true.

Things are more complicated then they seemed origanally.

You suffer from destructive necrophilia, basically the worst case where you either start to kill others or kill yourself.

I've seen it in other necros but haven't experienced it myself.

Absolutely destructive feelings.

Where is all this fucking agression coming from?

Erich Fromm says "destructiveness is any process which attempts to eliminate others or the world as a whole to escape freedom. The destruction of the world is the last, almost desperate attempt to save myself from being crushed by it"

Instead of love of life you have ultimate hate for life and all living creatures.

I think you need professional help, if you become suicidal or you have strong killing urges it is best to contact qualified medical personnel in your area who can help you deal with this feelings.

I have never come to this point, I know its hard but if you feel things are going out of control seek specially trained people who can deal with these kinds of situations.

I am so sorry Blake is not around.

What are you a fucking monster?

Better kill yourself.

Blake is so cute you couldn't even be normal boyfriends with him.

You are totally fucked Rottie.

 

[Little.Boy.Rot]

Why is Blake afraid you are gonna kill him?
Have you threatened him or beaten him up? Are you violent towards other people?
What a mess if all this is true.
Things are more complicated then they seemed origanally.
You suffer from destructive necrophilia, basically the worst case where you either start to kill others or kill yourself.
I've seen it in other necros but haven't experienced it myself.
Absolutely destructive feelings.
Where is all this fucking agression coming from?
Erich Fromm says "destructiveness is any process which attempts to eliminate others or the world as a whole to escape freedom. The destruction of the world is the last, almost desperate attempt to save myself from being crushed by it"
Instead of love of life you have ultimate hate for life and all living creatures.
I think you need professional help, if you become suicidal or you have strong killing urges it is best to contact qualified medical personnel in your area who can help you deal with this feelings.
I have never come to this point, I know its hard but if you feel things are going out of control seek specially trained people who can deal with these kinds of situations.
I am so sorry Blake is not around.
What are you a fucking monster?
Better kill yourself.
Blake is so cute you couldn't even be normal boyfriends with him.
You are totally fucked Rottie.

What to say about your response.
No he's afraid he can't save me from this.
I don't exspect you or him to truely grasp at this.
Hate? Ultimate hate?
Never...I hate no one.
Its most likely out of true love, the fear of losing that perfect feeling to some wasteland.
I love...and love hard.
I love Blake and I love Ryder.
I'm afraid of losing them.
-Bites lip-
You know nothing of Blake but his looks.
You have based your entire opinion of him out of lust.
Sure he's a great guy.
Wonderful.
But.....argh its not him.
Or anyone.
Surely, its destructive.
But also could it be a last but exstreme attempt at keeping that feeling?
Perhas I've lost it.
Yet I remain here, free from the taint of blood.
I know i need Help.
I need to write, write and write till my fingers crack.
Which is what I'm doing.

I'm trying.
To keep it together.
Which is why i've been in and out.
Btw did you post then come back an edit with that last comment?
I can tell.
It's abrupt.
I suppose I'm becoming a monster.
Perhaps a hallow form of myself.
Kill myself?
For what reason>?
To spare others?
Who knows
​

 

[Meatpie]

Hi Rottie, hope you are feeling better today.

No I didn't touch my comment, I rarely edit my comments after I submit them.

I am abrupt, because I am bipolar I told you.

You should stick with Blake.

If I had such a cute boyfriend I would stick with him.

I have no idea what he finds in you.

 

[Darkside]

l.b.r. you are not becoming a monster, just realising what you really want.
Remenber if you do the crime you will have to do the time. All killers get caught eventually.
Are you really prepared to go to jail/sanitorium for a long time?, i think not, most of us have these thoughts and some times go part way to acting them out, but that faint glimmer of reality pulls most of us back at the last moment. The feelings will pass in time and yes from time to time they will return, but you must control them. Hurting others is not the right answer and certainly hurting yourself is NO answer

 

[Little.Boy.Rot]

Eh.
I've been busy.
Looking...around my breadbox, I've come to live in.
I realize that, that being a monster is not a process but a sudden dramatic change of action.
Although, I saw a young adult get hit by a heavy box falling on him.
He broke his nose...For some reason I laughed.
Curious is the pyche...
I might just dissapear for awhile again....see where my fingers and mind lead me....

 

[dogfood]

Hmm. You're starting to sound like one of those people who go on a shooting spree and then shoot themselves. In that case you probably should be kept on some kind of medication. You obviously can't control yourself in high emotional stress.

 

[Meatpie]

LBR is not brave enough to do something like that but there are lots of people like him in the United States, wonder why that is.

The US has the worse record of mass shootings and then also the suicide rate is also high although way below Japan's.

 

[dogfood]

Bulgaria has a higher suicide rate then the US.

It's a natural response to the stress caused by overpopulation. It's an instinct that exists in most, if not all animals.

Yes, so mother nature is taunting you. You can either bitch slap her or do as she says.

 

[Little.Boy.Rot]

LBR is not brave enough to do something like that but there are lots of people like him in the United States, wonder why that is.

You know so very much, but oh so little about me.
Brave.
You think it takes being brave to kill someone.
No.
It takes emotionless, calculation.
It doesn't matter.
Actions are louder then words.
But you're right in one aspect.
I hope I never kill someone.
Because I'm holding onto the last strands of ethic and morals.

 

[dogfood]

People of self-destructive nature don't need bravery because they want to die anyways. They are cowards who can't handle life, making cowardice quite dangerious...

A lot of murder suicides are done by the wimpy kids who are treated like shit every day.

 

[Meatpie]

I apologize, you are right. Bulgaria has a slightly higher suicide rate than the US.

 

[ArrowMan]

Seek HELP NOW

LBR:

What you need is to seek out counselling in a PUBLIC mental health clinic, most every major city and county in the USA has one, which is FREE.

There are HOT LINES you can call, too, that are FREE....and expess with anonymity your troubles and feelings. They can help direct you to FREE professional help, too, paid for my taxpayers.

We have a very good FREE countywide public mental health care system here in the Chicagoland area where I live; some of the BEST psychologists and pyschiatrists practice in it.

MEDICINE...Rx....would slow you down, would calm you ... ever hear of KLONOPIN? It is both a muscle relaxant and a emotional relaxer...makes a person more mellow and calm. IT could help you a lot.

And it is real cheap .. but a MD has to write a Rx for it for you.

With counselling and Rx, you can be helped...there is no REASON to suffer so in the USA, there are ALL kinds of mental health clinics where you could seek help. GOOGLE "free mental health help" in the area where you live....or "free mental health hotlines".....call a hospital even, go to the ER if you feel you are at risk of harming yourself and/or others....do you have health insurance? If not, apply for MEDICAID ... you can obtain that for mental health issues.....FREE INSURANCE from the government.

AND then apply for SOCIAL SECURITY DISABILITY benefits....or SUPPLEMENTAL SECURITY INCOME benefits....federal programs...you can be found disabled ALONE for severe mental health issues in both programs as well. You WILL need MD verification to support your claim, that is why you should seek out the services of a FREE mental health clinic and get TREATMENT.

IF approved for Social Security Disability or Supplemental Security Income benefits AT the Social Security Administration, you would autmotically qualify for FREE health insurance through the MEDICAID program...and if you are approved for Social Security Disability benefits, you after two years of receipt of them would then qualily for MEDICARE benefits.

You don't have to be OLD to be found disabled, either.

So there is much you can do, ALL FREE, you must be the one to decide to go on suffering so seek help ... choose help, IT is there FOR YOU.

 

[Little.Boy.Rot]

I thank you for that, Arrowman.
In my current situation, its a cycle of re-looping problems.
I'm working on hard to get those things in the process.
But I dont have a car either, so its hard to get around these days.
Eh...I don't know.
I use to be on meds.
It made me dumb, and moody.
I don't knnwo.
iT SEEems somethings is keeeping me in this misery.
Oh well.
Writing this book is keeiping me tucking on.

 

[ArrowMan]

Number for HELP, LBR

I thank you for that, Arrowman.
In my current situation, its a cycle of re-looping problems.
I'm working on hard to get those things in the process.
But I dont have a car either, so its hard to get around these days.
Eh...I don't know.
I use to be on meds.
It made me dumb, and moody.
I don't knnwo.
iT SEEems somethings is keeeping me in this misery.
Oh well.
Writing this book is keeiping me tucking on.

Ahhhh, LBR.

Well, if the Rx at least mellowed you out so you would not feel such extreme urges, then it may have been good....ever ask your MD for a lower dose of the Rx ? A lot of times, when it comes to psychiatric Rx, the right dosage is the trick to feeling better AND functioning well.

Do you have public transporation you could ride for free mental health care at community or county supported clinics?

Again, GOOGLE "hotlines"...there is even a NATIONAL HOT-LINE for persons struggling with such issues as you ... here is the number... CALL it when you feel these STRONG URGES to harm yourself and/or others....it is worth, it, man, a FREE CALL ... no obligation and compassionate HELP !

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

:sm (50)::sm (50)::sm (50):

 

[Little.Boy.Rot]

-Reads-
How can they understand me?
I mean personally....
They can clinicize me...
Ostracize me in a sterile way.
What if I just wanna break free?
Shit i'm talkign crazy again....
I'm not going to kill myself..
So how could they help me.../