Craigie Boy
Headless Chicken
- Joined
- Aug 13, 2011
- Messages
- 181
- Location
- In Extremis
The secret of good chav-hunting is to study the behaviour of your quarry in its native habitat. You'll need to be able to communicate with the chav you've picked out as your target, because enticement is the key to a successful capture, so you'll have to acquire a basic grasp of its language. Chav-speak is a mix of rudimentary Anglo-Saxon and proto-Neanderthalic. A simple greeting of Yoo-or-eyh? will attract its attention. Do not smile at it. It would either respond to that with extreme aggressiveness, or it would take fright and back off. Show it the burberry cap you've brought with you as a lure. Tell it you've nicked it from a shop and you can't get the tab off. As long as you're kitted out in chav gear yourself, you haven't washed under your arms for at least two days, you've pissed down the front of your trackies before you came out, but you've drenched yourself with the most expensive bodyspray and aftershave you can afford, then this ploy is likely to be successful. The chav will leave the company of its fellows and come across to remove the tab for you. When it picks up your scent it will relax completely and might even grin at you. Then you'll be able to engage it in conversation.
The members of this lovely species, though unpredictable and highly dangerous when encountered in groups, are surprisingly timid and gentle when approached on their own. Pay close attention to everything your chav says to you - nod when it nods, laugh when it laughs - but remember not to appear too friendly at this early stage. Chavs are easily spooked. A good stratagem is to turn away every now and then and give a passer-by the finger. And keep your other hand stuck down the front of your trackies, as long as you're confident you won't give yourself a hard on. Your chav will be reassured by this. It will finally decide that it wants you to be its meyh, and I promise you, it will start behaving in the most delightful way possible. It will snigger down its nose and blush when you say something funny. It will start to confide in you, and it's at this point that you'll need to show it a little kindness. Remember, the average chav has had a pretty wretched life. Its parents haven't been interested in it, its teachers have treated it as though it was thick. It has no qualifications, no work experience, no job prospects. All it's known has been life on the streets in the company of its fellow-chavs, desperately trying to be as hard as they seem to be, sneering, fighting, robbing, screwing skanky chavettes, giving the finger to the lousy British society that rejected them. And all the time it's been eating its heart out, just yearning for a little kindness.
So if it says it was thick at school, say something like 'Bollocks. I can tell you're not thick. I reckon you just didn't want scumbag teachers telling you what to do...' It will probably by getting tongue-tied and embarrassed, because it hasn't got the words to express the powerful emotions it's feeling. It might try to change the subject. It might even mutter Am gunfer a waz and turn and head towards the public loo. Don't be dismayed. Ten to one it's decided it needs to break the tension by going for a piss. You haven't scared it off, you can depend on it. If it emerges from the loo, grins in your direction, grips its crotch and punches the air with its free fist in a chav salute, then man, you've got it bagged. It's yours! You can take it home.
The members of this lovely species, though unpredictable and highly dangerous when encountered in groups, are surprisingly timid and gentle when approached on their own. Pay close attention to everything your chav says to you - nod when it nods, laugh when it laughs - but remember not to appear too friendly at this early stage. Chavs are easily spooked. A good stratagem is to turn away every now and then and give a passer-by the finger. And keep your other hand stuck down the front of your trackies, as long as you're confident you won't give yourself a hard on. Your chav will be reassured by this. It will finally decide that it wants you to be its meyh, and I promise you, it will start behaving in the most delightful way possible. It will snigger down its nose and blush when you say something funny. It will start to confide in you, and it's at this point that you'll need to show it a little kindness. Remember, the average chav has had a pretty wretched life. Its parents haven't been interested in it, its teachers have treated it as though it was thick. It has no qualifications, no work experience, no job prospects. All it's known has been life on the streets in the company of its fellow-chavs, desperately trying to be as hard as they seem to be, sneering, fighting, robbing, screwing skanky chavettes, giving the finger to the lousy British society that rejected them. And all the time it's been eating its heart out, just yearning for a little kindness.
So if it says it was thick at school, say something like 'Bollocks. I can tell you're not thick. I reckon you just didn't want scumbag teachers telling you what to do...' It will probably by getting tongue-tied and embarrassed, because it hasn't got the words to express the powerful emotions it's feeling. It might try to change the subject. It might even mutter Am gunfer a waz and turn and head towards the public loo. Don't be dismayed. Ten to one it's decided it needs to break the tension by going for a piss. You haven't scared it off, you can depend on it. If it emerges from the loo, grins in your direction, grips its crotch and punches the air with its free fist in a chav salute, then man, you've got it bagged. It's yours! You can take it home.
I'd happily serve on the firing party. 19th C Lee Enfields would be more authentic than a modern automatic weapon.
