well in all honesty, the major reason why i was going to was because they were going to cut my foodstamps. but my psychiatrist is going to write the food stamps administration a note telling them i'm not capable of working so they don't cancel them (i think.. she didn't say she wasn't going to, and i'm pretty sure she will write the note and not have my foodstamps or health insurance be canceled.)
it'd be pretty fucked up if they allowed that to happen.
there are more reasons too. i can't hold a job because of my mental conditions i suffer from (Autism, ADHD, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder and type 1 diabetes) and i also hate the world and don't want to contribute anything to society either.
But i am trying to get on SSI.
I also hate everyone in my life too and been wanting to ditch all of them forever and leave. It has nothing to do with my self or my self esteem.
BUT in all honesty, i would really prefer to live.
In a perfect world, i would live however. If i got SSI, foodstamps, and lived in a safe house in Florida. and meet a nice friend who'd take me on roadtrips often. and I would not have to work or get a job or take orders from anyone.
but i'm not sure if life is going to be like that. It's very possible that it will though.
But if it isn't there's no point in being here.
But the thing is, i don't know if it won't be like the way i want yet, so that's the thing.
Livingdeadman20, I very much hope you won't commit suicide and please don't do it lightly or on impulse, though ultimately it is your decision and I respect that. Just one suggestion if I may - maybe having something as easy, quick and irrevocable as cyanide in the house would make it too easy to do on impulse, on a bad day or when something goes wrong that you can change if you stick with us? I've got some first-hand experience here, see below.
We have a lot in common in some ways. I cannot work now due to physical disability, I was very worried when I was called in for a notorious benefits assessment last winter (but it went fine, in fact they couldn't have been more helpful despite their bad reputation), I suspect I've got ADD (though not ADHD), I don't think I'm bipolar but I've certainly had what could be called hypomanic periods plus just a few really black periods (and some of my friends are certainly bipolar).
And autism: that word is used in so many ways now, are you meaning in the old sense of something quite fundamental, what's sometimes called Kanner's Syndrome, or in the much broader sense that includes Asperger's and is increasingly seen as merging into other 'neurodiverse' conditions such as dyslexia, dyspraxia etc? If you mean Kanner's I'd probably be insulting you by saying I have something similar (I know my social difficulties are trivial compared to that), but if I had my childhood now I'd probably get an Asperger's diagnosis, or dyspraxia - as an adult I've gone a long way towards sorting that out (we can talk about how by PM if it might be useful to you), I'd guess now I'm borderline between 'mild Asperger's' and 'normal range'.
Coming back to suicide, I decided some years ago that if things reach a certain point for me I will do that, and it's been one of the best decisions I've ever taken - it's what keeps me almost always cheerful despite a fairly 'challengling' situation healthwise. When my spinal problem went critical things were not good at all, and if an operation went badly they could have been very bad indeed, permanently. So I have a 'living will' in force saying that I do not wish to be kept alive in certain decidedly bad circumstances where I might not be able to decide for myself at the time. And I also decided that if things go downhill to the point where I have lost the things that make life worthwhile for me, I will end it at the right time for me and in my own way. And immediately I felt so much better in myself - knowing that I've taken that decision and am relaxed about it, I've got control of my situation back and I'm no longer scared of that gaping abyss of ever-increasing disability, pain (possibly) and helplessness. Ironically, that probably means I'm less likely to do it in practice! But I wouldn't want something like cyanide around even if I could get it - too easy to act on an impulse if things are going badly but haven't reached that point where it really is the right decision.
And I know of at least one other member here who took a similar decision in the face of terminal illness, had the means in place, and also found it helpful (in fact he died quickly and naturally so the situation didn't arise).
So, Livingdeadman20, I really hope you decide to stay with us and get your life to the state you want it. it will take time, persistence and probably some luck as well - there's no guarantee, but go for and try to make it happen! I hope you won't commit suicide but you're an adult and it's your decision - in your situation I'd be keeping it as the fallback which hopefully you never need to use.
And one other hopeful thought - although I don't think there are good medical treatments yet for most of the conditions you mention, there is a lot of work going on and in say ten years things may be very different.
You are a brave man with some good things going for you - hang in there, there's everything to hope for!
