livingdeadman20
Forum Regular
- Joined
- Oct 7, 2016
- Messages
- 148
- Location
- Florida
this is going to be a Really long and somewhat personal post, but i'm going to explain why i'm on this site.
If you don't feel like reading all of this though. I recorded a video of me basically explaining all of it here.. BUT NOTE: in the video, i seem pretty critical about necrophiliacs. DO NOT TAKE THAT OFFENSIVELY THOUGH PLEASE <3. I'm not a necrophiliac at all but i have nothing against it. just clarifying that for you guys:
ALSO: do not judge me or criticize me for any of this because i definitely do not need to hear it and won't listen to it either.
Right now, I'm a 20 year old gay male. I also have a mild forum of autism and ADHD and I'm a type 1 diabetic. Every since I was 14/15 years old, I've had a history of wanting to be dead and depression and I also been through quite a bit of fucked up stuff. Nowadays though, I am not suicidal at all and I'm not quite depressed either, but I don't care about dying at all. As in, if I don't have a way to get any of my insulin or if i end up out on the streets homeless without insulin, I would just walk off and die somewhere and not care about it at all. However it would kinda suck though.
In October of year 2013, when i was 17 years old, i got my first job working retail because my parents told me i needed a job and I HATED IT WITH A PASSION! it was very stressful and overwhelming for many reasons. I really wanted to quit but my stupid bitch/mother kept telling me that I had to stay and that I couldn't quit. It keep getting more stressful. and keep in mind that my parents were completely aware of how much i hated it because i complained about to them constantly.
In may of 2014, I started cutting my wrists because of this (and also because of other stuff too) my mother wouldn't let me quit the job at all even though i hated it and wanted to leave. Then eventually in August of 2014, I attempted to kill myself again by overdosing (I tried that before a long time ago) but it had no effect and i woke up perfectly fine the next day.
Fast-forward to summer of 2015 (when I was 19 years old) I was still at my same retail job, still hated it with a passion, and still wanted to quit but my parents still made me stay there. By now I started thinking about death even more again but I was still too much of a wimp to kill myself. Then I remembered this girl:
^her name was tammy jo alexander. she was a 16 year old girl was from Florida who ran away to new York where she was shot to death in a cornfield. I first read about her when I was 8 years old, but back then she was unidentified, no one knew who she was until 2015 when her sister went looking for her and submitted her DNA which lead to her being identified as Tammy. Before then, she was buried in a cemetery as a Jane Doe (for those of you who don't know, a Jane Doe is the name they give to a dead female who's unidentified. John Doe is for unidentified dead males.)
I read about other Jane Doe and John Doe cases too and due to my autism, I've became obsessed with these. It also turns out that Tammy Jo Alexander had a history of running away with truck drivers she met. reading this lead to me looking on craigslist for truck drivers to run away with. I developed a death-wish/fantasy of running away with a truck driver online, being taken to a far away place, being shot and/or stabbed to death and killed and left for dead. Then I would be found but no one would know who I was and then I would be buried in the cemetery as a John Doe.
like this guy: www.youtube.com/watch?v=WrtwlHPnAV0
and this guy: www.youtube.com/watch?v=oFGSTxXtrGE
and this guy: www.youtube.com/watch?v=AducSyJuSe4
I started telling my parents about this and they were a bit upset at first but they just didn't really give a toss. it didn't really matter to me though. I didn't have much luck with finding a truck driver to run away with, but if I had more time and tried harder I probably would have.
In December of 2015 (when I turned 20) my parents were planning on going on a road trip to FLORIDA. I LOVE FLORIDA! and I really wanted to go and I was really excited about going. when I found out about the florida trip, I stopped looking for truck drivers online to run away with because I wanted to go to florida. The trip was planned for January of 2016. At work, I requested those days off but they all got denied. when I asked my boss about it, she said that she couldn't give me those days off because the store was doing inventory those days. I was furious but I didn't flip out at all.
the fact was, I HATED that job with an extreme passion! and I wasn't about to let it stop me from going to florida! so I wrote up a 2 week notice and told my boss I was quitting. IT WAS BY FAR, THE BEST DECISION I MADE IN MY ENTIRE LIFE! But I didn't tell that to my parents but eventually, they would find out...
a couple weeks passed and year 2016 began. Me and my parents started our roadtrip to Florida. Halfway though, we stopped to stay the night in Louisville Kentucky. My parents and I were in the same hotel room, and then this happened...
..here's what I looked like that night too. I took this picture in our hotel room:
my dad snores REALLY loud, I couldn't sleep, so I said that I was going to leave and find a guy on grindr to stay the night with. My mother got angry at me about this and we got into an argument in the hotel room, my dad woke up and all 3 of us were arguing. My dad then said "ok, let's turn around and go back home". I got angry and said "hell no! I wanted this vacation! I quit my job to go on it!". My mother (being the colossal/controlling bitch she is) got really pissed off and angry, and then she told me, "You are not going to be sitting around our house doing nothing! we're kicking you out!"
then I cursed her out and told her that I was going to run away and die and be buried in the cemetery as a John Doe. then I called her a bitch and left.
You all may be wondering, "how can someone die just from running away?" this is how... I am a type 1 diabetic, meaning that I need to take insulin injections to stay alive. If I stopped taking my insulin, my blood sugars would go up, my blood would become acidic, then I would pass out and go into a deep coma, all of my organs would shut down and then I would die. That would only take 2-5 days to happen.
I left the hotel WITHOUT my insulin that night on purpose, and my parents knew it because I told them while we were arguing. They did absolutely nothing to stop me. it was cold in Louisville Kentucky that night and due to the fact that I was going to spend, what I thought was, my 'final days on earth' outside, I wanted to be some place warm when I died. So I had a guy on grindr give me a ride to the greyhound bus station in Louisville and I only had enough money on me to get a bus ticket to Atlanta Georgia. my plan was to go to the city, then walk as far out of the city as possible to a country side, forest, or cornfield (or some place where no one would find me until it was too late) until I couldn't walk anymore and until I fall into a diabetic coma and die. Then my body would be found by strangers who wouldn't have a single clue who I was or where i came from and then I would be buried in the cemetery as a John Doe, just as I fantasized about previously. I know that seems crazy but blame my autism mind for that.
after a couple hours of being on the bus and not having my insulin, I started feeling sick right away. my stomach was churning and I felt tired and weak. I really felt like I was going to be dead soon. it was early afternoon and the bus stopped in a city called Chattanooga in Tennessee.
by the time we were there, I already felt really sick and my energy was draining. I knew I would still be alive by the time the bus reached Atlanta, but I didn't feel like I had much time left. So I prayed to god, and I told him "sorry i'm doing this God, but i'm 100% sure you understand exactly why I am. Please forgive me for every bad thing I did, please have my death pass quickly with no pain, and please send me to heaven."
MORE BACKGROUND INFO: believe it or not, but I am religious. BUT I believe that God is much more lenient than people always say he is, and I never thought god would ever send me to hell. he knew and understood exactly why I made all of those choices.
But the weird thing is, right after I was done praying, my cell phone blew up, and I answered it, and it was my mom. she was really upset and telling me that she was sorry for yelling at me and kicking me out of the hotel room, and she was really worried because she didn't know where I was.
For some reason I started crying, I know that sounds pathetic for a 20 year old man to start crying, but I did. I told her I was in Chattanooga Tennessee on a bus to Atlanta Georgia. She told me that her and dad were on their way and they told me to wait at the bus station for them.
I got off the bus, waited at the bus station. However, after a while I thought things through and regretted getting off the bus and thought it was a really stupid thing to do, because the fact was, I didn't want to ever have a job. it's too stressful and overwhelming for me and it wasn't worth it and I honestly didn't care about being dead or dying at all either. So i got on grindr and starting talking to the grindr guys in the Chattanooga area and got a message from this one man who thought I was "sexy and stunning" and I started talking to him then I called him, and I asked him if he knew where any truck stops are (because what I was going to do was go to a truck stop and ask a truck driver for a ride and head down further south because it was cold in Chattanooga too)
He asked me why I was asked him that, and then I just spilled out and told him EVERYTHING. That my parents made me keep a job that I hated for 2 years, that I quit it and didn't want to get a new one, that my parents kicked me out, and that i was a type 1 diabetic who didnt have any insulin and i was trying to head south so i could be someplace warm went i faint and die from no insulin.
He then seemed to get sexually aroused by me telling him this, which i thought was a little strange but i honestly didnt care because i was dealing with so much stuff at that moment. he then asked me "how long will it take you to die?" and i told him again "2-5 days but it could be sooner, why?"
He then explained to me that he always had a sexual fantasy of taking a boy home with him and having a the boy die in his arms, then he keeps the boy's body and has sex with it and that he was a necrophiliac. He then asked me if he could come to the bus station and pick me up so he could use me to make his fantasy come true.
I said 'yes', because in all honesty, i really didn't care, because when i die, what's left of me won't be me anymore. But, I knew my parents were still on their way and I definitely did not want them and this necrophiliac guy to show up at the bus station at the same time. So i called my Mom back and told her "don't come to the bus station, I'm not going to be there." and then she told me "don't leave the bus station!" and I told her "why shouldn't i? I'm not going to get another job and things aren't going to get better", Then she said this: "yes they will! you won't need to get a job! you can go on SSI and live on that instead because you have autism and ADHD...
And in all honesty, if it wasn't for her saying that I would not be here typing this thread tonight. But don't misunderstand what I'm saying... that doesn't does NOT mean i'm grateful for it at all... but i believed what she said, and if I could go on SSI, i wouldn't mind staying alive at all, so I told her i'd be there.
Then the necrophiliac guy showed up (he was actually creepier in person, no offense to anyone here who actually is a necrophiliac though). and he kept trying to talk me into going back to his place with him but I told him that my parents were on there way and they called me and we worked it out. A woman who worked at the bus station was watching us the whole time while we were talking and right away she knew something was up. and then he told me "oh come on, your parents aren't going to tolerate you for so long so you might as well leave them for good. I got something that will make it go faster too", right then she walked over to him and told him to get out or else she'd call security. he then left, she gave me some cups of water because she knew i wasn't feeling well. Then my parents showed up, they picked me up from the bus station and we left and continued our vacation to Florida.
**here's a video of me at the bus station too:
At that time, I was doing an every day video blog like TimTracker on youtube. I recorded that video when i was at the bus station after the necrophiliac guy left and i was waiting outside for my parents to show up.
In the aftermath of all of this:
A lot of really fucked up stuff happened with me in year 2016, 99% of it was shit my parents put me through. right now im living in an apartment that they are paying the rent for. i had to move out because of more shit they caused. I still don't have a job and NEVER will get one. I actually got rejected for SSI last month, but i appealed the rejection and it's still pending right now. There's a lot of tension between me and my parents right now. My parents are really stupid. even though they are paying for my apartment rent (as they should for all the other shit they put me through too. there's a lot more crap they done besides this that i didnt mention and my mother was also abusive too.)
I'm not grateful at all at the fact that I didn't go off with the necrophiliac guy. Over this past year, a lot of times i thought i would've been better off going off with him. but as I said earlier, I'm not suicidal. My parents are still getting me my insulin now, and paying for my rent so i'm going to keep living but if they ever stop paying my rent or stop getting me my insulin then it's lights out for me, which leads to why i'm on this site...
worse case scenario, when shit hits the fan, i don't have a way of getting insulin and i end up homeless, i'm gonna need a warm place to die at, and where would be a better place to find that then a webforum full of necrophiliacs: Cute Dead Guys. and in exchange, they would get a 6 foot 3 green eyed male corpse to do whatever stuff they want to, as long as i'm dead before they do it though.
However, I'm at least trying to make sure it doesn't come to that. I'm applying for SSI and trying to get it (i will literally keep appealing it until i'm in the graves)
and i'm also looking for this too:
^but i'm not sure how successful i'll be at finding that...
i know what some of you are gonna say: "oh you should see a counselor" <<that's not gonna do shit! i don't want to see one. i see the world as it truly is. I'm not suicidal. I'm gonna try to get on SSI or whatever other welfare i can get. All i want to do is stay at home on my computer for the rest of my life (i also exercise too though so i won't get fat)
I NEVER am going to get a job. and if i ever do end up dying because im too broke to get insulin and because im homeless and because i never got my SSI , THAT WOULD NOT BE SUICIDE! AND DON'T ANYONE DARE SAY THAT EITHER!
over all, i do not fear death. yeah, ill try to do things to avoid it but only to a certain extent. also, i even have plans for what i would do after i'd die as in how i would become a ghost and the places i would haunt by that's a whole different story i'm saving for a future post on this forum.
If you don't feel like reading all of this though. I recorded a video of me basically explaining all of it here.. BUT NOTE: in the video, i seem pretty critical about necrophiliacs. DO NOT TAKE THAT OFFENSIVELY THOUGH PLEASE <3. I'm not a necrophiliac at all but i have nothing against it. just clarifying that for you guys:
ALSO: do not judge me or criticize me for any of this because i definitely do not need to hear it and won't listen to it either.
Right now, I'm a 20 year old gay male. I also have a mild forum of autism and ADHD and I'm a type 1 diabetic. Every since I was 14/15 years old, I've had a history of wanting to be dead and depression and I also been through quite a bit of fucked up stuff. Nowadays though, I am not suicidal at all and I'm not quite depressed either, but I don't care about dying at all. As in, if I don't have a way to get any of my insulin or if i end up out on the streets homeless without insulin, I would just walk off and die somewhere and not care about it at all. However it would kinda suck though.
In October of year 2013, when i was 17 years old, i got my first job working retail because my parents told me i needed a job and I HATED IT WITH A PASSION! it was very stressful and overwhelming for many reasons. I really wanted to quit but my stupid bitch/mother kept telling me that I had to stay and that I couldn't quit. It keep getting more stressful. and keep in mind that my parents were completely aware of how much i hated it because i complained about to them constantly.
In may of 2014, I started cutting my wrists because of this (and also because of other stuff too) my mother wouldn't let me quit the job at all even though i hated it and wanted to leave. Then eventually in August of 2014, I attempted to kill myself again by overdosing (I tried that before a long time ago) but it had no effect and i woke up perfectly fine the next day.
Fast-forward to summer of 2015 (when I was 19 years old) I was still at my same retail job, still hated it with a passion, and still wanted to quit but my parents still made me stay there. By now I started thinking about death even more again but I was still too much of a wimp to kill myself. Then I remembered this girl:
^her name was tammy jo alexander. she was a 16 year old girl was from Florida who ran away to new York where she was shot to death in a cornfield. I first read about her when I was 8 years old, but back then she was unidentified, no one knew who she was until 2015 when her sister went looking for her and submitted her DNA which lead to her being identified as Tammy. Before then, she was buried in a cemetery as a Jane Doe (for those of you who don't know, a Jane Doe is the name they give to a dead female who's unidentified. John Doe is for unidentified dead males.)
I read about other Jane Doe and John Doe cases too and due to my autism, I've became obsessed with these. It also turns out that Tammy Jo Alexander had a history of running away with truck drivers she met. reading this lead to me looking on craigslist for truck drivers to run away with. I developed a death-wish/fantasy of running away with a truck driver online, being taken to a far away place, being shot and/or stabbed to death and killed and left for dead. Then I would be found but no one would know who I was and then I would be buried in the cemetery as a John Doe.
like this guy: www.youtube.com/watch?v=WrtwlHPnAV0
and this guy: www.youtube.com/watch?v=oFGSTxXtrGE
and this guy: www.youtube.com/watch?v=AducSyJuSe4
I started telling my parents about this and they were a bit upset at first but they just didn't really give a toss. it didn't really matter to me though. I didn't have much luck with finding a truck driver to run away with, but if I had more time and tried harder I probably would have.
In December of 2015 (when I turned 20) my parents were planning on going on a road trip to FLORIDA. I LOVE FLORIDA! and I really wanted to go and I was really excited about going. when I found out about the florida trip, I stopped looking for truck drivers online to run away with because I wanted to go to florida. The trip was planned for January of 2016. At work, I requested those days off but they all got denied. when I asked my boss about it, she said that she couldn't give me those days off because the store was doing inventory those days. I was furious but I didn't flip out at all.
the fact was, I HATED that job with an extreme passion! and I wasn't about to let it stop me from going to florida! so I wrote up a 2 week notice and told my boss I was quitting. IT WAS BY FAR, THE BEST DECISION I MADE IN MY ENTIRE LIFE! But I didn't tell that to my parents but eventually, they would find out...
a couple weeks passed and year 2016 began. Me and my parents started our roadtrip to Florida. Halfway though, we stopped to stay the night in Louisville Kentucky. My parents and I were in the same hotel room, and then this happened...
..here's what I looked like that night too. I took this picture in our hotel room:
my dad snores REALLY loud, I couldn't sleep, so I said that I was going to leave and find a guy on grindr to stay the night with. My mother got angry at me about this and we got into an argument in the hotel room, my dad woke up and all 3 of us were arguing. My dad then said "ok, let's turn around and go back home". I got angry and said "hell no! I wanted this vacation! I quit my job to go on it!". My mother (being the colossal/controlling bitch she is) got really pissed off and angry, and then she told me, "You are not going to be sitting around our house doing nothing! we're kicking you out!"
then I cursed her out and told her that I was going to run away and die and be buried in the cemetery as a John Doe. then I called her a bitch and left.
You all may be wondering, "how can someone die just from running away?" this is how... I am a type 1 diabetic, meaning that I need to take insulin injections to stay alive. If I stopped taking my insulin, my blood sugars would go up, my blood would become acidic, then I would pass out and go into a deep coma, all of my organs would shut down and then I would die. That would only take 2-5 days to happen.
I left the hotel WITHOUT my insulin that night on purpose, and my parents knew it because I told them while we were arguing. They did absolutely nothing to stop me. it was cold in Louisville Kentucky that night and due to the fact that I was going to spend, what I thought was, my 'final days on earth' outside, I wanted to be some place warm when I died. So I had a guy on grindr give me a ride to the greyhound bus station in Louisville and I only had enough money on me to get a bus ticket to Atlanta Georgia. my plan was to go to the city, then walk as far out of the city as possible to a country side, forest, or cornfield (or some place where no one would find me until it was too late) until I couldn't walk anymore and until I fall into a diabetic coma and die. Then my body would be found by strangers who wouldn't have a single clue who I was or where i came from and then I would be buried in the cemetery as a John Doe, just as I fantasized about previously. I know that seems crazy but blame my autism mind for that.
after a couple hours of being on the bus and not having my insulin, I started feeling sick right away. my stomach was churning and I felt tired and weak. I really felt like I was going to be dead soon. it was early afternoon and the bus stopped in a city called Chattanooga in Tennessee.
by the time we were there, I already felt really sick and my energy was draining. I knew I would still be alive by the time the bus reached Atlanta, but I didn't feel like I had much time left. So I prayed to god, and I told him "sorry i'm doing this God, but i'm 100% sure you understand exactly why I am. Please forgive me for every bad thing I did, please have my death pass quickly with no pain, and please send me to heaven."
MORE BACKGROUND INFO: believe it or not, but I am religious. BUT I believe that God is much more lenient than people always say he is, and I never thought god would ever send me to hell. he knew and understood exactly why I made all of those choices.
But the weird thing is, right after I was done praying, my cell phone blew up, and I answered it, and it was my mom. she was really upset and telling me that she was sorry for yelling at me and kicking me out of the hotel room, and she was really worried because she didn't know where I was.
For some reason I started crying, I know that sounds pathetic for a 20 year old man to start crying, but I did. I told her I was in Chattanooga Tennessee on a bus to Atlanta Georgia. She told me that her and dad were on their way and they told me to wait at the bus station for them.
I got off the bus, waited at the bus station. However, after a while I thought things through and regretted getting off the bus and thought it was a really stupid thing to do, because the fact was, I didn't want to ever have a job. it's too stressful and overwhelming for me and it wasn't worth it and I honestly didn't care about being dead or dying at all either. So i got on grindr and starting talking to the grindr guys in the Chattanooga area and got a message from this one man who thought I was "sexy and stunning" and I started talking to him then I called him, and I asked him if he knew where any truck stops are (because what I was going to do was go to a truck stop and ask a truck driver for a ride and head down further south because it was cold in Chattanooga too)
He asked me why I was asked him that, and then I just spilled out and told him EVERYTHING. That my parents made me keep a job that I hated for 2 years, that I quit it and didn't want to get a new one, that my parents kicked me out, and that i was a type 1 diabetic who didnt have any insulin and i was trying to head south so i could be someplace warm went i faint and die from no insulin.
He then seemed to get sexually aroused by me telling him this, which i thought was a little strange but i honestly didnt care because i was dealing with so much stuff at that moment. he then asked me "how long will it take you to die?" and i told him again "2-5 days but it could be sooner, why?"
He then explained to me that he always had a sexual fantasy of taking a boy home with him and having a the boy die in his arms, then he keeps the boy's body and has sex with it and that he was a necrophiliac. He then asked me if he could come to the bus station and pick me up so he could use me to make his fantasy come true.
I said 'yes', because in all honesty, i really didn't care, because when i die, what's left of me won't be me anymore. But, I knew my parents were still on their way and I definitely did not want them and this necrophiliac guy to show up at the bus station at the same time. So i called my Mom back and told her "don't come to the bus station, I'm not going to be there." and then she told me "don't leave the bus station!" and I told her "why shouldn't i? I'm not going to get another job and things aren't going to get better", Then she said this: "yes they will! you won't need to get a job! you can go on SSI and live on that instead because you have autism and ADHD...
And in all honesty, if it wasn't for her saying that I would not be here typing this thread tonight. But don't misunderstand what I'm saying... that doesn't does NOT mean i'm grateful for it at all... but i believed what she said, and if I could go on SSI, i wouldn't mind staying alive at all, so I told her i'd be there.
Then the necrophiliac guy showed up (he was actually creepier in person, no offense to anyone here who actually is a necrophiliac though). and he kept trying to talk me into going back to his place with him but I told him that my parents were on there way and they called me and we worked it out. A woman who worked at the bus station was watching us the whole time while we were talking and right away she knew something was up. and then he told me "oh come on, your parents aren't going to tolerate you for so long so you might as well leave them for good. I got something that will make it go faster too", right then she walked over to him and told him to get out or else she'd call security. he then left, she gave me some cups of water because she knew i wasn't feeling well. Then my parents showed up, they picked me up from the bus station and we left and continued our vacation to Florida.
**here's a video of me at the bus station too:
In the aftermath of all of this:
A lot of really fucked up stuff happened with me in year 2016, 99% of it was shit my parents put me through. right now im living in an apartment that they are paying the rent for. i had to move out because of more shit they caused. I still don't have a job and NEVER will get one. I actually got rejected for SSI last month, but i appealed the rejection and it's still pending right now. There's a lot of tension between me and my parents right now. My parents are really stupid. even though they are paying for my apartment rent (as they should for all the other shit they put me through too. there's a lot more crap they done besides this that i didnt mention and my mother was also abusive too.)
I'm not grateful at all at the fact that I didn't go off with the necrophiliac guy. Over this past year, a lot of times i thought i would've been better off going off with him. but as I said earlier, I'm not suicidal. My parents are still getting me my insulin now, and paying for my rent so i'm going to keep living but if they ever stop paying my rent or stop getting me my insulin then it's lights out for me, which leads to why i'm on this site...
worse case scenario, when shit hits the fan, i don't have a way of getting insulin and i end up homeless, i'm gonna need a warm place to die at, and where would be a better place to find that then a webforum full of necrophiliacs: Cute Dead Guys. and in exchange, they would get a 6 foot 3 green eyed male corpse to do whatever stuff they want to, as long as i'm dead before they do it though.
However, I'm at least trying to make sure it doesn't come to that. I'm applying for SSI and trying to get it (i will literally keep appealing it until i'm in the graves)
and i'm also looking for this too:
^but i'm not sure how successful i'll be at finding that...
i know what some of you are gonna say: "oh you should see a counselor" <<that's not gonna do shit! i don't want to see one. i see the world as it truly is. I'm not suicidal. I'm gonna try to get on SSI or whatever other welfare i can get. All i want to do is stay at home on my computer for the rest of my life (i also exercise too though so i won't get fat)
I NEVER am going to get a job. and if i ever do end up dying because im too broke to get insulin and because im homeless and because i never got my SSI , THAT WOULD NOT BE SUICIDE! AND DON'T ANYONE DARE SAY THAT EITHER!
over all, i do not fear death. yeah, ill try to do things to avoid it but only to a certain extent. also, i even have plans for what i would do after i'd die as in how i would become a ghost and the places i would haunt by that's a whole different story i'm saving for a future post on this forum.
