Oh baby, that's was so sweet and powerful whatever happened between you guys?
What happened after the visits was I ignored him when he tried to call me the next day, This is where the paranoia comes into play; I figured He would kill me brutally sooner or later and I wasn't quite ready for that at the moment, and the paranoia got even worse especially when I read his poems about his darker fantasies.
In a way he was also intimidating, not in a negative way but a good way, he was 6'3 practically towering over me as I'm not even 6 foot let alone 6'3. Very beautiful face, great bod, and I felt I was going to end up his meat even though I wanted rick purely for partner + relationship material...So I cut him off and he let me know his feelings about that , To which I gave a novel of a response. He asked to call me again the next day after that; And unbeknownst to rick at the time the guilt about what I had said freaking out on him and all accusing him of being a killer of innocent men who wanted a mutual relationship. I was dead wrong about that and I apologized the very next morning, I was pretty self deprecating about myself and let him know it wasn't his fault I felt that way. He actually was very sad to hear what I had been going through and even expressed that through tears over the phone, And he felt sorry but was very glad that I had apologized but was saddened once I had revealed personal issues to him. He was a little annoyed about the serial killer thing though. There was a very wide variety of emotions at the time, and he told me he wasn't really wanting to hop back on CDG anymore, But from what I see now I believe he had been still visiting it and was just in the heat of the moment when he said that.
Due to this realization amongst other factors I had left CDG for a couple months from around September - October only visiting at either very late or very early times checking & reading every single message he had left on this site, thats how much I missed him and I even thought he was dead before this news came up.
Now I must face yet another realization that I still don't know and it is very troubling to me, although personal due to me and ricks relationship, And it is how he died.
I remember him telling me something about his throat that he hadn't told me before and how it was getting worse, It wasn't hard to connect the dots and I think it was cancer that ultimately killed him...But theres one other thing on my mind, & I don't believe that cancer would kill rick as he was quite healthy for his age.
I think Rick in the end.....Committed Suicide. Attributing to his loneliness, his diagnosis and what I had put him through along with other things he was going through in life it would be completely explainable. I also cant shake the fact (as much as I try) that within 8 months of joining this site, I think that I have indirectly killed one of the most long-lasting and prominent members of this wonderful community; through a series of complex emotional games, which ended with ricks demise.
And even if thats not true, it will never be the same not being able to hear his voice, and he has become once again another close person in my life that I care about greatly, only to be taken away and met with a grisly end.
