Live in Hope with an axolotl

[deaddirty]

Two poems for those boring lockdown nights. Enjoy!

Hope

The town of Hope, near Aberdeen
Is somewhere I have seldom been
But then it’s not a tourist trap –
It isn’t even on the map!

There’s certainly not much to see
They’ve closed the local library
Because they said there is no need
When no-one in the town can read
They’ve got a pub and a hotel
But neither of them’s doing well
The hotel isn’t quite the Ritz
The beds have fleas: the staff have nits
The only pub, “The Rose and Crown”
Is easily the worst in town

The one theatre’s sadly gone
It burned down while a play was on
(The critics thought the play so dire
That all of them preferred the fire.)
The cinema is second rate
The films are always out of date
The last James Bond film that I saw
Had Bond still played by Roger Moore.

The pavements are never clean
Because the council’s far too mean
To pay for cleaners – and the park
Is only open after dark
The grass is lumpy, full of weeds
And dogs can only walk on leads
There is a children’s playground but
When school is finished, it is shut

The Chief of Police is eighty-two
He can’t catch crooks. He can’t catch flu!
The vicar surely won’t be missed
Since he’s become an atheist
The mayor sold his golden chain
And then was never seen again
The local paper isn’t bought
Because there’s nothing to report.
The school is like a concrete bunker
Matron’s drunk. The head is drunker.

Now, living here must really stink
At least, that is what you might think
But that is simply not the case
There is no more delightful place
The fun and laughter never ends
Everyone is best of friends.
And all the residents agree
There’s nowhere else they’d rather be.

So if you’re feeling uninspired,
Sleeping badly, waking tired
If everything is going wrong.
The day feels dark, the night’s too long
Remember all the people who
Have found the following is true:

It’s so much easier to cope
If you decide to live in Hope

 

[deaddirty]

Care of Exotic Pets: Number 1.
The Axolotl at Bedtime

Never give your axolotl chocolatl in a botl
Serve it in a tiny eggcup, not too cold and not too hotl.
Make him sip it very slowly, not too much, never a lotl.
After all, he’s just a sleepy, snuggly, bedtime, axolotl.

Then tuck him – very gently – in his hand carved wooden cotl.
Turn the light out, seven thirty, never later, on the dotl.
Sing him songs of salamanders, give it everything you’ve gotl
As there’s nothing like a tune to serenade your axolotl.

Brush his gills out on the pillow, never mind the whys or whatl.
Once he’s deeply all a-slumber, sweetly snoring, off you trotl.
Think of him, snug in his dreamland, flying kites or sailing yachtl.
Then you’ll sigh, you’ve done your duty, time to clean the pans and potl.
Come tomorrow he’ll be one fresh, keen as mustard, axolotl.

Reasons to be cheerful: poetry and stories to give hope to adults and children alike

Children’s author Katherine Rundell introduces original poems, stories and illustrations by the likes of Michael Morpurgo, Jacqueline Wilson and Axel Scheffler

www.theguardian.com