Class 10 woes

[Dimoetes]

Rambling here because this is, in fact, pretty lame and perhaps someone would find it relatable. At least if no one relates, I can confidently assume I won't be judged too harshly.

I have minimal trauma. "Little t trauma" as therapists might call it. I have not had a particularly hard life. I am decently mentally healthy, logical and reasonable for the most part. Generally emotionally stable. I do not have social anxiety above what most high-conscientiousness people have. I do not lack empathy, or have a personality disorder at the clinical level. I am not afraid of rejection. I'm not asocial, I like people (as friends).

I am exclusively into men who are "past their best-by date." On paper, there is no reason for this. On paper, I am generally healthy. I'm not bitching because I hate my nature. I don't. I accept it joyfully; dead men are beautiful and I like beautiful things. Oh dear, how very human of me!

I do, however, sometimes really hate the situation I find myself in. When I tried to explain this to my therapist, he figured it was me "minimizing" or deflecting or whatever psychological jargon people use for it. I was simply trying to communicate how i felt about a situation which most people will thankfully never find themselves in.

I am deeply, cripplingly, agonizingly lonely. During the day it's not too bad, I have a life to attend to, hobbies, friends, projects, work, housekeeping...but at bedtime it really kicks in. The kind of loneliness that feels like someone's struck you right through the sternum with a paring knife, and is slowly twisting it, as I go to bed. Alone. Again. And look forward to waking up alone as well. Every day. For the rest of my life.

My entire teenage and adult years have been the emotional/sexual equivalent of settling for a mediocre hamburger when I really REALLY want a filet mignon.

I'm definitely not built for celibacy and single-ness, so I settled, again and again. And if you force yourself to settle for mediocre enough times, it stops being mediocre and becomes repulsive. Not all tastes can be acquired, and living men were one thing I could never develop a true taste for despite my best efforts. I'd find someone I thought I liked, then get bored/fed up/resentful/lonely so quickly, then move on hoping the next one would work out, if I just found the right one. Again and again, ad nauseum. Not to mention the guilt of hurting people who just wanted to have a relationship with me. Some of them deserved to be hurt and genuinely sucked, but most of them were decent guys who deserved better than what I could offer.

In my middle-age, I'm finally done trying to force it. As an old work-mate said: "Love is like a fart, if you have to force it, its probably shit." He was so right.

Along with the relief of no longer trying to force myself to like someone I just can't, is the deep ache of knowing that this is it. This is the rest of my life.

I am a very affectionate, loving person. My nature is one of total devotion. I have a practically bottomless well of it, and no one to devote myself to. The relationship I would want/need in order to be happy would put me in prison. The best I could ever theoretically get is a quickie in a prep room or the back of a removal vehicle, glancing anxiously at the door the whole time. That's not what I am built for at all. The taboo holds no appeal for me, there is no thrill in the risk of being discovered. I'm supposed to be curled up next to someone on the couch, falling asleep with my head in his lap or something sappy like that.

I am meant for a quiet, cozy and peaceful existence with someone I can actually enjoy being with. That is never ever going to be a reality for me and to be honest it fucking sucks.

It's not even comparable to regular "involuntary celibacy", at least there's still a sliver of hope for those cases. A lid for every pot, so to speak. I don't even have that little sliver of hope to cling to. I have nothing.

If you made it this far thanks for reading I swear I'm usually not this whiny


TL; DR I am really really lonely

 

[callmecaleb]

I was tempted to not reply, not make any comment at all. You see, I can’t relate to your situation. It is the opposite of my life experiences. Wow. It was hard to type that last sentence because I don’t want it to be construed as gloating or unfeeling or…. I don’t know what adjective to use.

I am sad. I wish I could say or do something to ease your unhappiness, your loneliness. All I can give is empathy.

I read what I just wrote and it seems so lame. Forgive me.

 

[Dimoetes]

I was tempted to not reply, not make any comment at all. You see, I can’t relate to your situation. It is the opposite of my life experiences. Wow. It was hard to type that last sentence because I don’t want it to be construed as gloating or unfeeling or…. I don’t know what adjective to use.

I am sad. I wish I could say or do something to ease your unhappiness, your loneliness. All I can give is empathy.

I read what I just wrote and it seems so lame. Forgive me.

What you wrote isn't lame Empathy is the best any of us can do for each other and that is enough. Thank you

 

[ScorpSoldier]

i am quite simmilar, not sure how to explain, but incredibly lonely, i find myself rejecting women making advances toward me because im scared to lose a relationship, you cant lose a corpse, and i feel like if i found someone who understands my desires and shares them, that would hold our relationship together nicely, but its hard to find people, and im too scared of consequence and social backlash. And now, i am still not very well liked, and spending christmas alone at 21 years old, thinking about snuffing and cannibalising people i find attractive, which they will never understand, and think i hate them, when its quite the opposite. I like to ramble here too, but now i took on full time employment, its harder to find time to even want to look at a screen. pleasure reading your story though.

 

[Dimoetes]

i am quite simmilar, not sure how to explain, but incredibly lonely, i find myself rejecting women making advances toward me because im scared to lose a relationship, you cant lose a corpse, and i feel like if i found someone who understands my desires and shares them, that would hold our relationship together nicely, but its hard to find people, and im too scared of consequence and social backlash. And now, i am still not very well liked, and spending christmas alone at 21 years old, thinking about snuffing and cannibalising people i find attractive, which they will never understand, and think i hate them, when its quite the opposite. I like to ramble here too, but now i took on full time employment, its harder to find time to even want to look at a screen. pleasure reading your story though.

Its a weird situation to find yourself in for sure. I know its not considered a "sexual orientation" but rather a disease, but it still feels very much like a sexual orientation. Its well known that there isnt a way to get rid of it, so it will likely remain a large part of anyone's life that has it. So it becomes necessary to hide a significant part of who you are, because the social backlash WOULD be extremely awful, potentially life-ruining. This is a major cause of loneliness. Sharing with a romantic partner would be a huge gamble, what happens if the relationship ends badly? Now someone who has a vendetta against you has the power to seriously damage your life with the knowledge they have about you. No matter what choice you make its going to hurt you in some way. Of course you are lonely in the situation you find yourself in *hugs*