Malice, A series i will be posting and would like your honest revue.

Drakomuendo

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this is an intro to a much longer story that will help me brush up on my writing skills in a fun and entertaining way and I would like you to read it and give me your honest opinion as I post it so that I can improve future segments and refine my skills.

I would appreciate being told everything you like and everything you do not like....... It is a purely homosexual series...

This is a series of stories taking place in an exotic world and I feel it would be best to take a moment to explain what kind of world these adventures take place in. This is a version of earth roughly 50 years in the future so some new technologies but everything is roughly the same. It has a slightly different history were men and women diverged in the early 1,800s’. Men live in male cities and women live in female cities with very little contact between the two only to facilitate trade. Breading is handled by the selling of sperm and eggs with the children being grown in tanks and raised in any of three nursery cities which raise children till their eighteenth birthday where they are sent to the city of the mother or father depending on their gender. Overpopulation reached critical levels in the late 1,900s’ and governments reacted to it as best they could by setting a population roof limit. Ultimately it came down to an array of new laws governing society. The legalization of murder under the condition you can get away with it for 24 hours with few exceptions, government officials cannot be targeted, corporate leaders cannot be targeted, members of the opposite gender or children cannot be targeted should they be available for any reason. Given the incredibly long lines for procreation, murder accelerates the process bumping people up the line.

Our hero Jack arrived in the city a fearful young man; he did everything he could to go unnoticed till he was twenty-seven. Late into his twenty-seventh year a man he had been dating for a few months, by the name of David, invited him to the local bar for a drink. He met David at the bar where they shared two drinks; at that point David had started getting a little frisky. David put his hand on Jacks thigh and ran it up to his hip. Jack decided to grab David’s growing bulge between his legs and plant a kiss on his neck. The two men began to kiss and grope each other until David invited Jack to step into the alley for a quick fuck. As soon as they were out there David removed his shirt and began unbuckling his belt as, the now shirtless Jack got on his knees and unbuttoned his pants and reached into his briefs pulling out his nine inch boner. Jack grabbed David by his ass and started sucking his dick and licking his ball sack occasionally looking up to admire the mans’ hairy beer belly and chest as he moaned with ecstasy. As Jack sucked David’s dick he released and started licking his hairy ball sack when David bucked against Jacks face so hard it knocked him on his ass. When Jack looked up he saw his boyfriend struggling and bucking his hips trying to get away as a well-tanned and muscled man was strangling him and smiling at Jack. At first Jack began begging and pleading the man to spare David’s life but the man just kept strangling him and smiling at Jack. Suddenly jack realized that this guy wasn’t a bad man, no he was just trying to entertain him. Jack watched as his lovers body squirmed and struggled, he admired David’s boner as it flopped about still totally hard with his hairy balls swaying bellow. David tried desperately to free himself from the man’s grasp; he began to cry as his boyfriend sat their watching with a smile on his face. Jack loved the sight of David’s hairy body, watching him struggle, his hairy pecs and beer belly, and especially that look of fear in his eyes as his struggles slowed. It only took a few minutes until David was limp in his killer’s arms with his pants around his ankles.

The killer slowly lowered David’s body to the ground where he then looked over at Jack and signaled him to come over. When Jack kneeled next to him the killer grabbed Jacks hand and put it on his crotch which Jack immediately began to grope and feel. The killer then took jacks hand away from his crotch and put it on David’s still hard penis and helped Jack stroke it up and down. Jack kept stroking David’s dick and as he did, he looked over at the killer and asked “why”. The killer simply stated “because it was fun, now let me show you something”. The killer took off his pants and underwear leaving him totally naked, exposing his boner. The killer then rolled the body over and positioned himself over David’s butt and slowly slid himself in and started bucking his hips while Jack rubbed his bulge. Jack sat watching as this killer, he didn’t even know, fucked his dead boyfriends cooling body. Jack loved every ripple flowing through David’s butt as his killer bucked his hips against it driving his cock up David’s ass. As the killer spilled his cum and moaned in ecstasy but was suddenly interrupted by a can rolling across the ground. The killer glanced over warily and started to move until Jack put his hand on the killers shoulder and said “you had your fun now it’s my turn”. Jack started over to the dumpster while the killer rolled David onto a trash bag and then drug the body off between two buildings down a much thinner alley. Jack stepped around the dumpster and jumped on top of a fleeing busboy that had been caught outside and had been hiding from the killer. Jack almost lost the boy but grabbed him by the rim of his pants and pulled them down around his ankles disabling the boy whom he immediately jumped back on and started strangling. The boy began crying and pleading when he had breath for mercy until Jack learned how to grip the boy properly. Jack loved how the boy’s struggles felt and how he cried as he slowly slipped into the darkness. As soon as the boy was dead Jack went to his vehicle and brought it into the alley where he loaded the boy into it and sat him up like a sleeping passenger. Jack looked over at the body and noticed the boy was nineteen according to his name tag which read John. Unfortunately the boy’s genitals were covered by his apron which denied Jack a view as he drove to a closed parking garage. Once Jack parked the vehicle he reached over to pump the boy’s penis only to find he was completely flaccid unlike David who had died firm and hard. Jack got down in the floor board and rubbed his face in the boy’s sweaty crotch while grabbing the seat lever and laying the chair out flat. He got up and took the boys shirt and apron off so he could admire the young mans naked body. The boy wasn’t hairy like David was; the boy only had hair on his chin and around his unshaved crotch. He went back to the boy’s crotch and started rubbing his face against his balls, licking the sweat off and nuzzling up against his penis. Jack slowly slid up the boy’s body and started sucking his nipples and prodding his raging hard cock against the boy’s hairy crotch. Jack then sat up and went to fucking the boy while admiring his dead eyes and empty expression. As Jack slid into the boy’s anus he was surprised by how cold it felt and how easy it was. The cold of the boy’s ass felt extremely good as Jack fucked the boy turned on watching his body slide back and forth from his bucking. The pleasure was too much and Jack blew his load inside the boy’s butt, as his orgasm ended he fell on top of the boy and rested for a minute. Once Jack had rested up he pulled out of the boy and grabbed his camera from the glove box and took a few pictures of him with his first kill. Jack then opened the door and rolled the body onto the ground confident and satisfied now that all his fear no longer haunted him for now it would be other men that would fear him.
 

zonmoy

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you aiming to have him captured and executed by cruel guards that enjoy fucking him and then executing him, or you aiming to have him as a serial killer for as long as he can keep from being captured.
 

deaddirty

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I like!
For me, it will be hotter if you give more details of the victims' pants and underwear, and if they sometimes piss, soil themselves and cum in their underwear before they are stripped naked. But those ae my turn-ons, they may not be yours.
 

mim102

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Very promising start :good job 2:
For me, the story will be hotter if you add more types of killing, make it painful and bloody. I also think our hero might need to consider what should be done to the victim's body. Just dumping the body into the ground is not the safest way of disposing the evidence.
Look forward to the next part of the story
 

Drakomuendo

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Zonmoy: he is the hero and we all know the hero always wins in the end.

Deaddirty: your my kind of guy deaddirty, I don't like soiling, though it seems to be an idea that turns me on more and more here of late. I am all about men pissing their pants with fear or spilling their seed as they die. as for description well I personally found my descriptions very unsatisfying half way through David's death which you may have noticed by my attempt to describe his body. I personally feel that I failed to describe things properly, you should have known before hand at least a little about David's body and I never described Jacks body or the killers which were both terrible oversights. you can expect much better in the next segment.

Mim102: Jack has a whole lot of learning to do if he wants to be a proper hero so you can expect better from him in the future, even with the 24 hour rule he can still get caught if the body is found before then. I am not a big fan of gore but all this is about adapting to entertain my readers so it will be there in the future just toned down to levels I can handle. As far as pain goes well I will simply say this, I find fear, sorrow and pain very attractive so that will get better.

Question guys; what kind of men do you like? do you like fat guys or skinny guys, hairy guys or hairless guys, just tell me what men you like and would be okay with doing if they didn't have that amazing turn on we call death.
 

deaddirty

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Drakomuendo, you are doing well! I will very much look forward to the next segment.
 

Drakomuendo

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Next segment hope ya like it, ya know I have never posted one of my stories publically before. If you like this I'll deffinently have to change that.

All of Jakes excitement and enthusiasm faded on his drive home as he realized the consequences of what he had just done. Leaving the body in an open area like that was a bad idea but Jake was too terrified of the prospect of getting caught to return so he drove home and went into his apartment. A few days past and Jake had not left home, even went so far as to call in sick two days. Jake didn’t understand why he hadn’t seen anything on the news about it, he was certain the police had caught on by now. Six days of watching the news finally gave him his answer on the six o’clock special segment. It stated among other things that when renovators went to begin work on the downtown parking garage a body of a nineteen year old by the name of John Hutchinson had been found strangled and naked on the third floor, the police had identified the body as being five days old and so do not intend to investigate. Jack was so relieved when he saw that but he decided that if he was going to kill any more men, he had better get better at it first. Jack called his work but they told him he had been fired, this was not good news but he realized he needed a new start anyways. Jack went online and found a job online as a virtual filing clerk; this made Jack a very happy man as it paid better than his previous minimum wage job and gave him a very flexible schedule. After two weeks passed, Jack bought satellite for his TV so he could get Dark-side news, a media channel that focused on killings, rapes, and other forms of criminal activity. After a month more had passed Jack finally had enough money to purchase a grade B hunters license which allowed him to go to any weapons shop in town and buy any form of non-automatic weapon. Jack had learned a lot from the Dark-side news station about weapons and licensing and had found a few ways to even turn killing into a business opportunity but for now he was just going to kill for fun. Jack went to the largest weapons store in the city called Kingdom Killers where he bought a military knife, a leather cord two feet long, and a silenced pistol for emergencies. Jack was so excited to have his new weapons he went straight home to pose in his mirror. Jack got totally naked and admired himself and his weapons in the mirror, five feet six inches with strong arms and chest, his modest abs and firm butt, and his eight and a half inch cock. Jack did not have much hair on his body except on his legs, butt, crotch, and in little rings around his nipples. Jack went down to the local free gym even though it was fifteen minutes to closing; after all, Jack wasn’t going for the workout. When Jack arrived it was five minutes to closing and he lucked out as two men had just finished showering and the last man there was just heading into the shower. Jack watched as the man posed in the mirror and admired his rather large muscles, the man stripped down to his jockstrap and continued admiring what seemed to be around one hundred and eighty pounds at least of ebony muscles. Jack realized he couldn’t strangle this man; he was too big, so he pulled out his knife and snuck closer staying out of view of the mirror so as not to be seen. Suddenly Jack sprang up behind the man and wrapped his left arm around his neck, the man looked with horror as he saw Jacks knife he cried out “Oh god please don’t “ when his cries turned to agonized grunts as the blade drove into his back. The man immediately began bawling as jack pulled the blade out and stabbed him again severing his spine causing the man to go limp from the chest down. The man sat in Jacks arms crying and asking “why?!” which Jack cruelly replied “You know, I have never fucked a black guy before.” leaving the man horrified as his life drained away and piss poured down his right leg turning his white jockstrap yellow. Jack slowly lowered the man’s body down and grabbed a towel to wipe the blood off his right arm. Jack looked in the mirror admiring his own body and the body of the black guy he just killed sprawled out on the floor. Jack unbuttoned his pants and pulled out his raging hard cock and knelt down between the man’s legs. Jack lifted his legs up and slid his dick into the guys ass till he bottomed out, then proceeded to fuck his warm limp body as the blood pooled out on the shower floor. As Jacked fucked the man’s dead body he groped the man’s piss and sweat soaked jock bulge and admired the man’s lifeless face and dead-eyed expression. After about twenty minutes of fucking Jack was ready to fill this dumb fuck with his seed, however, Jack decided not to. Instead jack pulled out and positioned his cock over the dead man’s mouth which was hanging open in an inviting manor. Jack then put himself into the man’s mouth and placed his own face over the man’s bulge which he then proceeded to uncover pushing the jockstrap to the man’s knees giving him a clear view the man’s flaccid and cut cock. Jack sighed in disappointment, the man was totally hairless, what a waste he thought as he eased himself down the man’s throat. Jack decided to enjoy it regardless and proceeded to fuck the man’s mouth while he licked, sucked, and kissed the man’s piss and sweat soaked genitals. Soon jack filled the man’s mouth with his seed and shouted in sheer ecstasy as he cummed. Jack then stood up took the man’s jockstrap off and rubbed his face against it indulging in its wonderful smell of piss and sweat. Jack stepped outside to check that the coast was clear after stuffing the jockstrap into his pocket. Jack was lucky for it had gotten late and no one comes out in this part of town after dark. He loaded the body into the trunk of his car onto an oval elongated bucket he had bought four days earlier for bloody occasions like this. Drove to the river at the edge of town and tossed the body down into the river to be washed away. As Jack watched the man’s naked body fall down into the river he reflected on it, he would consider this his first real kill. Jack thought about what a good thing he had done and about how happy those lucky people would be who got bumped up the breeding list. Jack pulled down his pants and began masturbating over the railing till his cum spilled into the river below. Jack then headed back home to get a good night’s sleep and dream about his good deed.
 

mim102

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I really like the new chapter, you have done an excellent job in showing the transition of Jack from a "prey" to a "predator". I can't wait for the next chapter.
To answer your question: I prefer fit guys with well-defined musculature, lean but not too thin or bulky but not too big. Hairy or hairless guys are both OK with me but not too hairy.
A little advice though, maybe you should split the next segment into paragraphs so it will be easier to read, like your first chapter, the recent segment was a little hard to read since you combine them into one single paragraph.
 

Drakomuendo

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I tried new sentence structure and storytelling techniques and I wanna know what you guys think. In this segment our guy becomes a real necro hero and shows us how to have a real good time. I hope you guys like it.... it took three and a half hours to write and was four and a half pages long.... Anything to help me become a better writer.

After a week passed Jack decided he had to do it again. Jack grabbed his weapons and some items he might need and jumped in his car to go hunting. Jack headed downtown and went exploring to see what the town was like and where he could hunt. He found a nice area of alleys and narrow streets where he could hunt with little interference from police officers or brave passersby. The sound of gunshots and screams in the distance confirmed this place was perfect. Jack went exploring to find places to hide bodies and found that local trash compactors perfect. Jack also found large openings leading to the sewer and abandoned buildings as well as a local corpse dump which didn’t exist in the wealthier neighborhoods.
A corpse dump is a place where bodies are deposited to await transport and are often poorly protected and hold corpses for a month in a mostly enclosed bubble.

Jack had to test this hunting ground out and decided to find some random guy to kill. He found a local strip club and spotted three entrances, the main entrance guarded by two bouncers, the employee entrance guarded by two bouncers, and the back entrance reserved for the dancers guarded by only one bouncer. Jack decided that the seclusion of the back entrance and its low use made the man guarding it perfect. Jack took a moment to decide how to do it, in the end he decided to use his strong body and tough physique the way it was meant to be used. Jack pulled off his shirt and hoodie and put his leather cord around his own neck like a collar. Jack then approached the bouncer wearing only his shoes and faded jeans examining the bouncer as he approached.

The bouncer was a black guy about five foot eight, he wore a skin tight muscle shirt showing his finely muscled chest and firm abs. The bouncer was also wearing black sunglasses and had his hair shaved with a bandanna. He was wearing saggy jeans which were only staying up because of his wide stance and revealed his red jockstrap halfway down to his bulge which looked pretty big.
As Jack approached the bouncer he could tell the bouncer was getting a little tense, probably worried. The bouncer reached out his hand to stop Jack once he got too close telling him to “stop right there muscles” but jack just grabbed his hand and started kissing his palm and licking between his fingers. The bouncer shivered and gave a pleased and confused look. Jack paused a moment and said “What? You never needed the body of a strong capable man before”. The bouncer was pleased at the compliment and pulled Jack closer and started kissing him.

Jack continued kissing him while removing his shades and pulling up his muscle shirt till it was above the bouncer’s pecs. Jack put each hand on each of the man’s large pecs, groping them and moving his palms over his nipples. Jack was getting ready to go down on the bouncer but, to his surprise, the bouncer started going down on him as Jack thought to himself “what luck, I scored a bottom”. When the bouncer got down to Jacks groin he started kissing and sucking the bulge in his jeans as he unbuttoned and unzipped Jacks pants and suddenly pulled them down with his underwear.

Jacks hard on slapped against the bouncer’s face, who then immediately began sucking on it while playing with Jacks balls. Jack kicked off his pants and underwear and sat their enjoying it for a moment. Jack invited the bouncer to go around the corner into a smaller darker alley where they could have some privacy. The bouncer stopped sucking Jacks dick and agreed, they both grabbed their clothes and headed over to the alley dead end alley and stepped to the other side of a dumpster chute (A tunnel that leads to a large underground trash plant, grinding trash up with large gears as it descends). Jack really admired the view behind the bouncer as he could see his crack through his jockstrap. The bouncer immediately pushed down his pants stepping out of them and bending over against the brick wall. The bouncer had a nice firm butt and strong legs and a slightly muscled back, all of which made Jack really excited to do what he was planning.

Jack grabbed the man’s left butt cheek and slapped his right cheek making the man coo with a tinge of pleasure and pain. Jack liked seeing the ripple go through the bouncer’s relaxed, muscled ass. Jack started prodding the man’s balls with his cock and poking his anus. The bouncer, getting anxious, said “enough teasing already!” so jack started pushing his dick against the bouncer’s anus. Once Jack got his glands inside he decided to push all the way in one go which made the bouncer yelp loudly. Jack began pushing back and forth fucking the man while he reached around to feel the man’s package. When Jack got his hand to the man’s groin he found that the man’s Jock was stretched far away from his dick which was bent from the pressure. Jack started stroking it and was shocked by the man’s length.

Jack asked the man “how long are you!?” the man replied “Twelve and a half” Jack shouted “DAMN! You got a nice one” the man said “Haven’t had any complaints yet” as he laughed and moaned from the fucking he was getting. Jack stood up straight as he took off his choker and readied it back as a leather cord. Jack knew what he had to do now as he bent over the man’s back causing the man to stand up straighter. Soon the man was lightly leaning against the wall in an upright position as Jack readied to bring the cord down around the man’s throat.

The man grunted as he pulled his Dick out of its confining prison only to find Jacks leather cord wrapped firmly around his neck. The man’s butt clenched firmly down on Jacks dick as Jack strangled him. He was grunting and bucking his hips trying to get his neck free from Jacks grasp as Jack whispered terrifying words in his ear. “I’m going to kill you and fuck your dead body you stupid bitch”. The man started peeing on the building wall causing jack to let up enough in satisfaction for the man to speak. “Please! Please! You don’t have to kill me! I don’t want to die man please don’t kill me!” Jack responded by laughing and throttling him hard causing the two to fall to the ground with the bouncer facing down with Jack on top of him.

After a minute the man began to slow his struggle and start to give out but Jack didn’t want it to end so he let up a bit so the man could breathe. The bouncer began to cry and said sobbing “Please man, I have a man back home, he has been with me for four years I won’t cheat on him again I promise.” Jack got turned on at how innocent this man sounded, Jack let up on him some more and said “sit there and let me have my fun and I’ll let you live alright” the man said as he cried “ok I won’t do nothing I promise! Thank you, thank you, thank you.” the man just began bawling afterwards as Jack fucked him completely removing the cord from the man’s neck while he raped him.

Soon Jack started cumming in the man’s ass as waves of pleasure flowed through his body. Jack began lightly strangling the man again who then said in a strangled desperate voice “what are you doing!? You promised!” Jack then said “yeah about that, you see, I lied, sorry about that.” Jack then started laughing as he strangled him even harder while he resumed fucking him. Soon the man was dead sprawled out across the ground in a semi-figure eight position with jack still fucking him.
Jack had loved how tight the man’s butt felt as he strangled him and now adored how he felt now that he had killed him. The man’s butt was so nice, it was firm and pliable and jiggled really nicely as Jack fucked it. Jack decided he wanted to see the man’s face, so he stopped his thrusts and slowly rolled the man onto his back. Jack resumed fucking the man as he admired the man’s feature, his dead eyed expression, his pecs bouncing limply with each of Jacks thrusts into his ass.

Then Jack saw it, the man’s firm nearly thirteen inch dick standing up with a trail of cum leading down from his uncut cock down to his belly revealing a large pool of cum and urine. Jack began pumping the man’s dick which immediately spurted out a few small shots of cum causing Jack to suddenly start cumming himself. Jack sat staring at his conquest for a while then grabbed his nearby pants and pulled out his camera to take a few good pictures.
Jack then got dressed and suddenly heard footsteps and readied his knife. When Jack checked he saw a thin, muscly, Latino man in nothing but a translucent blue thong stumbling around drunk. Jack started rubbing the man’s crotch making him moan and grab Jacks crotch. The two of them continued groping each other as Jack lead the man into the alley to the body of the man he killed. As soon as the man saw the naked dead body he started screaming before Jack could muffle his screams with his hands and drive a knife into his back.

Jack loved the sound of the man’s muffled screams. Jack removed his hands from the man’s mouth as he started to go quiet. Jack began groping the man as he asked “why” as he started pissing himself and going dead eyed. Jack furiously rubbed the man’s bulge as the man laid there dead in his arms pissing on the leg of Jacks previous victim. Jack laid the man’s body out next to the other guy as he heard footsteps again. Jack was on alert though as there was more than one pair and they were in a hurry, probably bouncers reacting to the scream.
Jack pulled out his gun afraid things would get messy very soon and hid with the bodies around the edge of the garbage shoot as he hear one voice say “there is no one here” the other said “you check down that way I will check over here” Jack waited as he heard footsteps grow closer and closer. Jack saw the man step right passed him seeming more curious if anything was behind a stack of boxes farther down the dead end alley.

Jack stepped behind the man aroused at the sight of the white man’s firm body and round, tight ass, visible via his skin tight jeans. Jack put his silenced gun to the back of the man’s head and said “stay right there!” the man said “Please! Don’t shoot I’ll do anything!” Jack told the man “look to your right” the man glanced to his right and suddenly cringed and said “Please you don’t have to do this, I, I, I didn’t see anything alright, just don’t shoot please” The man really knew how to beg, Jake thought.
Jack grabbed the man’s butt and told him to pull his pants down a bit, the man replied “alright, alright, just don’t shoot me” as he spread his legs a bit and pulled his pants down to just below his butt cheeks revealing his tight white short briefs only half covering his modestly hairy butt cheeks. Jack reached around the man, keeping his gun against his neck, taking a firm grip on the man’s bulge. The man suddenly said “Please man, don’t do this” Jack replied “Do everything I say and you may yet survive got it!” the man said “sure, sure, fuck me if you gotta just don’t hurt me please” Jack asked “what’s your name?” the man replied “My names Donny but everyone calls me Don”

Jack said “well Don I need you to do me a favor?” Don replied “anything, I’ll, I’ll do anything” Jack said “your buddy will be back in just a moment I’m sure so tell me about him real fast” Don replied “His name is Ricky and he is a nice guy so please don’t hurt him” Jack said “just tell me his stats, like what he looks like and stuff?” Don replied “He, He is five foot two and around one hundred and sixty pounds, he is not as fit as me but he has a nice, firm body.” “He has dark, short hair and blue eyes and the sweetest smile” “he has a mildly hairy chest and stomach and I haven’t seen anything below the waist” just then the sound of footsteps running began approaching.
Jack told Don “okay here is the plan; you and I are gonna hide next to those two while you call him over, ok?” Don started pleading “Please, please don’t do this man, don’t kill him, he is a good guy please don’t hurt him?” Don began to get teary eyed. Jack said “If you do as I say the both of you will live to see tomorrow and if you don’t well, I guess neither of you will live to see the sunset!” Don nodded his head and started calling Ricky saying “Hey Ricky come check this out” Ricky replied “what is it Don?”

Jack pulled Don against the side of the dumpster chute with the gun pressed firmly against his jaw. Soon Ricky started calling out to Don “Don! Where are you Don?” “Enough games Don, come on out!” Soon Ricky was walking past apparently focused on that large pile of boxes near the end of the dead end alley just as Don had.
Ricky then glanced to his right and jumped in shock as he saw the two men lying dead in the dark alley. Icky started looking around and noticed the white of Don’s underwear still visible with his pants just beneath them. Ricky saw that Don was there and asked “Don! Don are you ok!?” as he suddenly noticed Jack standing behind him with a gun to his head smiling. Ricky said “D, D, Don’t hurt him please?!” Jack replied “Oh I won’t hurt him if you do what I say exactly, got it!” Don burst out “Just do what he says please Ricky?!”

Ricky nodded and said “I’ll do whatever you want just don’t hurt him, he’s my friend” Jack told him “Walk to the end of the alley! You too dumbass!” as he pushed Don down the alley with Don replying “Sure, sure just please, please, don’t hurt us!” as he pulled his pants back up and shuffled down the alley with Ricky. Jack then began dumping the bodies into the trash shoot where they quickly slid down past the first bend where a suddenly a stomach churning crunching, grinding, and squishing noise started as blood squirted up the pipe in large quantities flowing half way up the pipe from the pressure. Once Jack had finished he walked over to the two men standing at the end of the alley, both of them shaking like a leaf. Suddenly as he heard Jack step behind them Don cried out “Oh god please no, please! Please don’t do this?!” as he began openly crying with Ricky started to cry and plead “please don’t do it! Don’t kill us” Jack simply stated “If you wanna live you’ll stay right here got it!” Don replied “Really? Thank you, thank you so much for sparing us!”

Jack tied the men up with the clothes of the other bouncer before collecting the bouncers stretched jock and stepping out of the alley. Jack looked around and found, much to his surprise the streets were all abandoned. Not a soul in sight anywhere, while this was puzzling Jack decided to take advantage of it to make what he was planning easier. Jack went and collected his vehicle, carefully watching for anyone. Once he got to his vehicle he rubbed his face in the smelly jock, got in it and drove down the alley back to the crime scene.
Once he got there he walked down the alley to find the men still tied up with Don asking “who’s there? We’re so glad you came! Quick untie us before he gets back!” Jack simply said “he’s back….” Don immediately started pissing himself as both men began shaking violently. Don started crying as he said “Please, we did everything you said! You promised you wouldn’t kill us! Please! Puhleeees! I beg you! Please don’t! Don’t do it! Please!” his cries turning into outright bawling as Ricky joined in. Jack said “get up!” the two men stood up, Don’s pants were soaked with his piss and his shirt drenched with tears.

Jack said “god I love it when you beg Don!” Don burst out even louder until Jacked hushed the two men causing the two to bring their sobbing to a quieter level. Once they got to the vehicle Jack opened the trunk and told the two to “get in” Don cried “please don’t do this!” as the two of them got into the trunk with their hands still tied behind their backs. Jack admired their terrified faces for a moment before slamming the trunk shut and getting into the vehicle to drive away.

Sorry about the cliff hanger, I didn't wanna spend anymore of my free time on this. I'll post the rest in a day or so, till then tell me what you think.
 

mim102

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I LOVE this new chapter and the structure really makes it easier to read through the story. I like the way Jack gave his victims false hope before finished them off, really hot.
Can't wait to see what Don and Ricky's fate will be :wink:
 

Drakomuendo

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North-east Arkansas
The next segment will be delayed by a few days due to shattered computer syndrome, my apologies.

I am trying to improve the story and its readability, my goal is to develop my skills as a writer for other projects which are similar. I got lucky by posting this story because now I just got to buy Microsoft office word back tomorrow and I can copy the story back to my computer.

In the meantime, tell me what you might want to see? I have my own plans which will result in one of the two men living sort of, but I am open to any suggestions about how you want the story to go. if their is anything specific you want to have happen to either of the man feel free to say so and I will consider putting it into the story.
 
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