Feeling a Character

callmecaleb

A man is a tasty morsel.
Elite Member
Joined
Jan 13, 2012
Messages
6,365
Location
Cannibal Heaven
I wrote my first Caleb story about 2006, where he killed his first victim, a really sweet lad named Nick. The ideas for the kill had been marinating in my brain for years and I finally was able to express them on paper. No one read the story but it was a great relief to get it out, to allow my cravings to escape my mind and become, if not real, at least spoken.

Strangely, for a week or two after I put that story on paper, I was racked by feelings of sorrow for Nick, the victim. How an innocent man who just wanted sex with a very hot dude, ended up being tortured and mutilated by that hot dude. How he disappeared from his family’s life. Gone with no explanation. It was incredibly sad and I felt tremendous guilt. Guilt?? Over porn fiction?? Stupid. Yet that’s how I felt about this fictional character. After so much time in my brain, he had emerged to suffer his fate, and I could feel his horror.

Caleb, my doppelganger, became a cold-blooded serial killer. He enticed his victims with his incredible beauty and sexuality. No manner of death was too vicious, too bloody, too gory. Caleb reveled in his victims’ mutilations, terror, and pain. As he often said, Michelangelo took a slab of marble and created David, while he, Caleb, would take a David and reduce it to a slab of mangled mushy meat. I loved writing these stories. My fantasies played out with Caleb.

At first, Caleb convinced himself he killed for love. Love of Man, the perfect man. All his victims were extremely beautiful specimens of manhood. He was simply taking God-given beauty or gym-built beauty and devouring it as he destroyed it. Or maybe he was ridding the world of a bad dude. At any rate, Caleb rationalized his killing. But recently, in my current threads (“I am a Cannibal” and “Journal of a Serial Killer”), he has evolved into a self-centered, unfeeling egotist. Wrapped up in his own beauty, which is indeed spectacular. No conscience. Uses people for his own gain, usually sexual gratification. I created him as a vicious sadist but I get the sense now he has masochistic tendencies and maybe needs to suffer….hideously.

I don’t recognize Caleb any more. I created him. I wrote the stories. But now, it seems he has taken over my brain and is dictating the stories. He’s becoming an odious man and I don’t seem to be able to control the narrative. Yet, I seem compelled to continue to write Caleb’s story. I’m still attracted to this incredibly sexy beast. Weird!

So, I’m curious whether any among you have ever seen your writing go off in a direction you hadn’t anticipated? Just wondering about others’ experiences. How normal am I? Or am I just a fucked up dude?
 
No, personally I haven't ever found my writing (or posting) going off in a seriously different direction. it's very different to the sort of person I am in real life, but most of the time I'm comfortable with that. Just occasionally it gets difficult - like when I've chatted to someone online enough to connect well with them as a person so it gets hard to enjoy the fantasy (and it's always that way round thank God).
 
Actually, I don't consider myself a "fucked up dude" at all. Here in CDG-land, I'm perfectly normal. Possibly more vannila than many of our brothers. Caleb lives within me, acting on his own impulses, but always giving me gratification. Like Buddy and Buster. There's a lot going on in my brain, which makes my dick hard and happy. Hopefully yours, too.
 
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