Confession of a guy from Kazakhstan

tirex

Forum Regular
Joined
Jan 14, 2010
Messages
136
Location
CO
Hi everyone,

I registered on this forum years ago, but never really got involved. This is the first time i am writing something to actually communicate. That's because all these years I've been struggling to figure out what I am and what I should do.

And I still am:th_smiley_eh:

I grew up in Kazakhstan. People there are mostly muslim and very post-Soviet. Meaning they will wish all evils for gay people both as religious people and as people raised with Soviet morals where nothing non-standard was allowed.

I decided I must be gay what I was 24. Then it was about a year of struggling to accept. Then for about three years I was not allowing myself to even look at guys. See, this is kind of normal in Kazakhstan. Because remember, this country is religious and Russian Soviet-style propaganda is still everywhere. People are just like that, and I was raised like that.

Only a couple of years ago I started finding guys for some private play. I still never had actual sex. I think I am close now to more or less complete self-liberation. It almost doesn't feel weird or shameful anymore. I am still not comfortable showing face and name, though.

Since I was a kid I was aroused by imagining scenes of men getting killed, especially by or because of women. It just seems so natural and manly. Man giving his life to woman. Getting beaten for a woman. Especially of a man is naked and muscular, and a woman is dressed up and old and overweight... That's why I am here. Not too much of this kind of imagery in this forum, but nice picks sometimes.

Right now I live in Ohio, but may have to go back to Kazakhstan eventually. I want to find more friends now, and continue gradually opening up. Both guys and girls, I am much friendlier than it seems by the way I write, I swear:yes: Just nerdy. I need friendly support and care, and I can give a lot of it too!

 
Thanks for such an honest post, tirex.
When I was born (1950s) Britain wasn't that different, though by the time I was old enough to start realising I was gay things were beginning to change - it was legalised when I was 13, but only with an age of consent of 21. And now gay marriage is legal, the homophobia which was 'normal' when I was a kid is illegal.
It takes a long time to find one's true self after growing up in that atmosphere, but it can be done. Incidentally, don't be afraid to move on from the death side as you become more at ease with sex and relationships - it may or may not happen, fine either way.
Good luck, and keep on growing as a person!
 
Tirex, I was so pleased to discover, at the end of your post, that you've ended up in Ohio! It won't be so difficult, in the U.S., for you to fulfill whatever sexual desires you have, though you'll still have to be cautious. Homophobia is alive and well in the U.S., but at least being actively and openly gay here will not (usually) get you killed. Despite what the media may suggest, many Americans do not love homosexuals, though we are now legal. Welcome to CDG, and I hope you do not have to go back to Kazakhstan, unless you want to.
 
Thanks guys, so nice to hear this!

I live in Toledo Ohio, but don't have a car yet. It would be great to know someone for real, but we'll need to figure transportation and stuff.

I think Kazakh people inherently are very tolerant and very open minded, just given the complicated history. But it is the spread of islam and Russian propaganda that really breeds hate. Religion and political conservatism - they always create hate! Right after the USSR crash there was a move towards democracy, there were even some TV shows featuring "womanly men", but after Putin came to power, everything turned opposite. I'm afraid it will take longer than in UK.
 
Welcome to North America. If you fear being deported by the US President, you should think of moving a few miles north. I grew up on the Canadian side looking at Toldeo and getting Cleveland TV before cable. I would be willing to talk to you. I grew up before Stonewall and while I sort of knew I did not really know until I had been married and had children. Only when I got to the highest rank I could and my sons started part time jobs did I start looking into "a, I gay" and decided yes. The decision to leave the marriage was made much easier by the fact my ex became violent against me (before I came out to her). She is now in an institution and I have a your Filipino partner (by young a mean two decades younger than me).

I would be delighted to talk with you should you wish to do so.
 
Welcome to North America.

Hey I was trying to send you a pm, but not sure if it worked. if you didn't get it, let me know. I can't wait to get in touch (no pun intended, haha)
 
Back
Top