I think I maybe suffering from Bipolar Disorder

[Meatpie]

I think I have bipolar disorder on rapid cycling or even ultradian cycling as I have violent depression alternating with extreme excitement in less than 48 hours.

I change my mind quickly and can't take decisions. Once I am very brave and even went to the morgue and talked with the moricans like they were my school friends....

Then in a few hours I get terribly depressed and life has no meaning and I want to die.

I lost my job and I can't take on the new one so I am totally lost. I have no idea how I came to this.

I have no motivation for anything, all I think is dead guys.

One day I am out with friends, working out, bicycling, going to bars and cafes...shaggin alive dudes.....and then the next day I wake up with these morbid thoughts about death and dead bodies.

I don't want to see or hear anybody, I just spend hours on the internet searching for autopsy vids/pics and images of dead guys to jack off to.

Sometimes I jerk up to five times and still no relief.

I wish I never had this obsession its seriously messing with my life.

But if I killl myself in sofia the deiners will recognize me. "Hey, isn't this the guy who applied here for a job a few days ago"...

"Yeah its him! He is cute....wow, awesome feet and sausage. Whos gonna rip him"

Also can you imagine that I take naked pics of myself on a table, then photoshop them, crop my "corpse" and put it on pics from inside the local morgue.

I also phoroshop pics of friends and - close thier eyes and make them look dead.

Then I fap to the pics.

I am also the only guy who is crazy enough to go to a real morgue, quit his job then be left unemployed all because of his sick fantasy.

Never imagined I would come to this.

 

[dsyn]

I don't really think you're bipolar.. just extremely depressed. Do you ever have manic tendencies?

I would say at this point you need to get active.. go ride your bike, go for a run, work out, it will release endorphins in your brain and make you feel a bit better and consequently happier as well.

Aaaaand I wouldn't kill yourself. If you are brave enough to face the great beyond, then you should be brave enough to stick this out. I know you're not a coward.

Also, I doubt you're the only guy who has ever done this. After all, originality is nothing but judicious imitation. -Voltaire

 

[Meatpie]

dsyn it would be difficult for any 25-year-old dude who has no medical experince to suddenly be exposed to open skulls, mangled corpses and the worse shit ever - decomposing human bodies.

Then they told you have to scrape them off with caustic soda as part of your duties.

They exposed me to this shit with no protection although I asked for a facial mask at least.

I might be necro, I might have seen thousands of corpse pics and dozens of vids but no way I was prepared for that. They don't show it in any movie/clip I've seen so far.

Then they told me I had to sign a contract and take 24 hour shifts. I will basically live in that fucking mortuary. How I am gonna eat? I should be ready to receive a body at any time...jesus are we supposed to sleep?

I would most probably won't be to sleep among 200 dead bodies and look like a zombie. That would scare the living shit out of relatives who come to visit the deceased in the morning.

Anyone would be messed up, don't you think? Depressed? No absolute shock at reality.

AHHHH, I should also learn how to saw a human skull and remove all organs in a signle block...the russian method of autopsy that is you grab the larynx, pull all the way down to the cock cut and take everything out leaving the corpses like canoes.

I watched that beautiful autopsy video from venezuela where the guy is gentally cut, organs inspected one by one. No electric drill for the head, just a simple saw. He didn't have a pile of internal organs ontop of his cock.

Clean decent procedure.

And I will have to perform all this for 250 euros a month. Thats exactly $188 a month.

Now...do you see why I want to kill myself?

No one can help me.

Life is hell in my country. You can't get a decent job here.

 

[dsyn]

I never said you didn't have a reason to want to end your life, but just because we have a reason to do it doesn't make it a good idea.

 

[Darkside]

Bloody hell Meatpie, how are you ment to live of that sort of pay, things must be very cheap in your country, that amount would hardly last a week here in Scotland.
It's time you got angry with life and not depressed, turn your misrable thoughts around and use them to prove evryone and every thing wrong.
March in to the morgue and show those idiots there that you won't throw up or look shocked at any thing they show you.
Anger is good and is one of the best ways to get motovated to doing things that you don't want to or disgust you.
You are obviously quite a sensative sort, you need to become more emotionaly tough. Be more like me, hard , bitter, and as stuborn as fuck. It works.

 

[woyaokan1983]

meatpie, are you talking about jerking off five times in a day? are you really going insane? that's suicide...
one thing i don't understand is that why you have to remove all the guts of the dead. is it to prepare them for the embalming or to keep them from rotting quickly?
in China, all the mortician have to do with the dead is undress, clean, dress, and decorate...they never do the pulling out all the guts things...that's indeed very disgusting...

 

[verlup1]

That's why I think he should work in a funeral home instead of a morgue. Isn't that what they do in funeral homes in Bulgaria?

 

[Meatpie]

I never said you didn't have a reason to want to end your life, but just because we have a reason to do it doesn't make it a good idea.

It is not a good idea because you will solve your problems but your family will remain traumatized for life.

Bloody hell Meatpie, how are you ment to live of that sort of pay, things must be very cheap in your country, that amount would hardly last a week here in Scotland.
Prices are the same as in any EU country, its even more expensive than Greece here.

You have to live with that for a whole month. Your salary is 250 euro and your heating bill is 250 euro thats how things are here. And 250 euro is a good salary actually because the majority of people work for 150 euro for the whole month, 8 hours a day and most employers force you to work on saturdays. If you refuse they threaten you they are gonna sack you and you will be unemployed and probably starve.

That's what happened on my previous job. We are fucking slaves here.

It's time you got angry with life and not depressed, turn your misrable thoughts around and use them to prove evryone and every thing wrong.
March in to the morgue and show those idiots there that you won't throw up or look shocked at any thing they show you.
Anger is good and is one of the best ways to get motovated to doing things that you don't want to or disgust you.
You are obviously quite a sensative sort, you need to become more emotionaly tough. Be more like me, hard , bitter, and as stuborn as fuck. It works.

Excuse me but have you been to a real morgue with cut up bodies, opened skulls and mangled after car wreck? Nothing like watching it on your pc.

Ok I could take all that. But those bastards exposed me to decomposing bodies on my first day, how am I supposed to take all that shit.

As I said I didn't puke so I guess thats why they thought I was eligable for the job and gave me the papers to sign my contract. But when I got home I really felt nauseous and couldn't even have a proper meal.

one thing i don't understand is that why you have to remove all the guts of the dead. is it to prepare them for the embalming or to keep them from rotting quickly?
in China, all the mortician have to do with the dead is undress, clean, dress, and decorate...they never do the pulling out all the guts things...that's indeed very disgusting...

Of course they make autopsies in China, they use the same "Russian method" where all the organs are pulled at once in a single block. You live in a fantasy world if you think they only clean them.

They pull all the organs and cut them to little pieces. They take the brain, slice it then instead of putting it back in your head they throw it in your stomach.

Really brutal. For me the worst part is sawing the skull open and peeling back the face.

That's why I think he should work in a funeral home instead of a morgue. Isn't that what they do in funeral homes in Bulgaria?

They are no funeral homes in Bulgaria and corpses are not embalmed. Watch this, its very similar to what they do here, sawing the skull open is not shown unfortunately.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=id0RYE5EEWs

 

[verlup1]

You're right Meatpie. Morgues here in the U.S. are more sanitary. They have separate rooms for the rotters according to those autopsy documentaries I like to watch. I think you'd be better working here. I wish you could come work here. Funeral homes are entirely separate from the morgues. There are two right here near my house. They pick up the bodies from the hospitals. I fantasize about working in one. Polish guys are so hot and always fighting, getting drunk, and driving too fast. They're bound to get killed every now and then.

 

[MDCMDC1980]

Love you like my brother Meaty!

 

[kitanaprincess]

if you really have one meatpie you know i always be here to be support you!

love you darling! =P haha

 

[Meatpie]

Life can be a pain in the ass sometimes.

 

[LTmyselfni]

They have removed the video damn it! Try sucking on mints like candy canes, works well with a mask on then you smell mostly the mint and only a faint smell of rot. I used to use that methed when I worked in a vet clinic and some dumbass pet owner would bring in his long deceased pet and want us to find a cause of death. In veterinary medicine they call autopsy a necropsy. Even without a mask it will probably still help with the rot smell. Suicide is a perminate solution to a temporary or transient problem. Too bad I can't send you some Xanax. Hang tough Meatpie I have faith in you to get through it.

 

[Meatpie]

My sister is on Xanax, so she has offered me to try it but I don't think a pill can solve your problems.

We have to fight, life is so fucking hard sometimes.

I get overwhelmed with emotions and I can't cope.

I now regret I didn't take the morgue job, but I got worked up seeing those flattened stinky rotters.

 

[LTmyselfni]

You are right that pills don't solve anything...they are not meant to, just help one through some rough patches. I am on them because every time I start to feel a little better I go out and try to do work. Last time I was helping nieghbour roof his house and my unhealed compressson fractures in my back decided to cause my back to give out as I was carrying up the last 2 bundles of shingles to finish the last square of the roof. I was at the top of the ladder and the next thing I know I am on ground unable to feel my legs. I thought i was paralyzed for life and at first so did the doctors. They put me on the xanax to try and keep slowed down and do shit like that before I am healed enough. I have already had 2 back surgiers to remove little bone frags too close to my spinal cord. I was just trying to help you bro.

 

[Meatpie]

Oh mate, be careful and listen to what the docs say, take it easy dude until you make a full recovery.

Glad to see you posting again, definately a good sign, Xanax is working.

My sister is fucked since she was diagnosed with depression.

She has mood swings, little things depress her easily and she is afraid or just unable to take any responsibility.

Before they put her on Xanax, she would cry for no good reason, it was awful.

 

[barryds]

Life can be a pain in the ass sometimes.

I feel so much better after watching a wonderful music video.

It's like I'm hardly ever sad. Except when I'm pissed off.