Craigie Boy

Headless Chicken
Joined
Aug 13, 2011
Messages
181
Location
In Extremis
The secret of good chav-hunting is to study the behaviour of your quarry in its native habitat. You'll need to be able to communicate with the chav you've picked out as your target, because enticement is the key to a successful capture, so you'll have to acquire a basic grasp of its language. Chav-speak is a mix of rudimentary Anglo-Saxon and proto-Neanderthalic. A simple greeting of Yoo-or-eyh? will attract its attention. Do not smile at it. It would either respond to that with extreme aggressiveness, or it would take fright and back off. Show it the burberry cap you've brought with you as a lure. Tell it you've nicked it from a shop and you can't get the tab off. As long as you're kitted out in chav gear yourself, you haven't washed under your arms for at least two days, you've pissed down the front of your trackies before you came out, but you've drenched yourself with the most expensive bodyspray and aftershave you can afford, then this ploy is likely to be successful. The chav will leave the company of its fellows and come across to remove the tab for you. When it picks up your scent it will relax completely and might even grin at you. Then you'll be able to engage it in conversation.

The members of this lovely species, though unpredictable and highly dangerous when encountered in groups, are surprisingly timid and gentle when approached on their own. Pay close attention to everything your chav says to you - nod when it nods, laugh when it laughs - but remember not to appear too friendly at this early stage. Chavs are easily spooked. A good stratagem is to turn away every now and then and give a passer-by the finger. And keep your other hand stuck down the front of your trackies, as long as you're confident you won't give yourself a hard on. Your chav will be reassured by this. It will finally decide that it wants you to be its meyh, and I promise you, it will start behaving in the most delightful way possible. It will snigger down its nose and blush when you say something funny. It will start to confide in you, and it's at this point that you'll need to show it a little kindness. Remember, the average chav has had a pretty wretched life. Its parents haven't been interested in it, its teachers have treated it as though it was thick. It has no qualifications, no work experience, no job prospects. All it's known has been life on the streets in the company of its fellow-chavs, desperately trying to be as hard as they seem to be, sneering, fighting, robbing, screwing skanky chavettes, giving the finger to the lousy British society that rejected them. And all the time it's been eating its heart out, just yearning for a little kindness.

So if it says it was thick at school, say something like 'Bollocks. I can tell you're not thick. I reckon you just didn't want scumbag teachers telling you what to do...' It will probably by getting tongue-tied and embarrassed, because it hasn't got the words to express the powerful emotions it's feeling. It might try to change the subject. It might even mutter Am gunfer a waz and turn and head towards the public loo. Don't be dismayed. Ten to one it's decided it needs to break the tension by going for a piss. You haven't scared it off, you can depend on it. If it emerges from the loo, grins in your direction, grips its crotch and punches the air with its free fist in a chav salute, then man, you've got it bagged. It's yours! You can take it home.
 
Amusing, accurate and strangely horny! Good post Craigie Boy.
 
Thanks Platinum. I appreciate that. Glad you liked it!
 
It's started bugging me that I've missed an important word out of my chav-hunting story. I want it to be word perfect because I'm quite proud of it, so I've decided to repost it below.
 
The secret of good chav-hunting is to study the behaviour of your quarry in its native habitat. You'll need to be able to communicate with the chav you've picked out as your target, because enticement is the key to a successful capture, so you'll have to acquire a basic grasp of its language. Chav-speak is a mix of rudimentary Anglo-Saxon and proto-Neanderthalic. A simple greeting of Yoo-or-eyh? will attract its attention. Do not smile at it. It would either respond to that with extreme aggressiveness, or it would take fright and back off. Show it the burberry cap you've brought with you as a lure. Tell it you've nicked it from a shop and you can't get the tab off. As long as you're kitted out in chav gear yourself, you haven't washed under your arms for at least two days, you've pissed down the front of your trackies before you came out, but you've drenched yourself with the most expensive bodyspray and aftershave you can afford, then this ploy is likely to be successful. The chav will leave the company of its fellows and come across to remove the tab for you. When it picks up your scent it will relax completely and might even grin at you. Then you'll be able to engage it in conversation.

The members of this lovely species, though unpredictable and highly dangerous when encountered in groups, are surprisingly timid and gentle when approached on their own. Pay close attention to everything your chav says to you - nod when it nods, laugh when it laughs - but remember not to appear too friendly at this early stage. Chavs are easily spooked. A good stratagem is to turn away every now and then and give a passer-by the finger. And keep your other hand stuck down the front of your trackies, as long as you're confident you won't give yourself a hard on. Your chav will be reassured by this. It will finally decide that it wants you to be its meyh, and I promise you, it will start behaving in the most delightful way possible. It will snigger down its nose and blush when you say something funny. It will start to confide in you, and it's at this point that you'll need to show it a little kindness. Remember, the average chav has had a pretty wretched life. Its parents haven't been interested in it, its teachers have treated it as though it was thick. It has no qualifications, no work experience, no job prospects. All it's known has been life on the streets in the company of its fellow-chavs, desperately trying to be as hard as they seem to be, sneering, fighting, robbing, screwing skanky chavettes, giving the finger to the lousy British society that rejected them. And all the time it's been eating its heart out, just yearning for a little kindness.

So if it says it was thick at school, say something like 'Bollocks. I can tell you're not thick. I reckon you just didn't want scumbag teachers telling you what to do...' It will probably react by getting tongue-tied and embarrassed, because it hasn't got the words to express the powerful emotions it's feeling. It might try to change the subject. It might even mutter Am gunfer a waz and turn and head towards the public loo. Don't be dismayed. Ten to one it's decided it needs to break the tension by going for a piss. You haven't scared it off, you can depend on it. If it emerges from the loo, grins in your direction, grips its crotch and punches the air with its free fist in a chav salute, then man, you've got it bagged. It's yours! You can take it home.
 
I agree , very acurate, so when are you going to tell us what happens next?, do you catch one and have some fun?
I also like the chav and scally look, some of the guys are really hot and most seem to have realy nice tight firm asses under those baggy trakies.
Being so cocky and loud they are just asking to be taken and taught a few manners and a few lessons.
Like you say in thier packs they are loud and brave, on thier own they are usualy quiet obediant little pussy's
 
Have some fun? Oh yesss!! But I'm not sure what sort of fun yet... I don't want to jump on one and massacre it. That would be an act of pure vandalism. I'll get back to you on that one.
 
Chavs should be mown down Zulu style as waves of them emerge from a big shopping centre by two lines of troops Even worse scum can come and strip their corpses of shiny track suits, Burberry and jewellery :) I'd happily serve on the firing party. 19th C Lee Enfields would be more authentic than a modern automatic weapon.
 
Aye you'd be welcome to sort through the piles of worthless dead Chavs outside Westfield etc :)
 
Chavs should be mown down Zulu style as waves of them emerge from a big shopping centre by two lines of troops Even worse scum can come and strip their corpses of shiny track suits, Burberry and jewellery :) I'd happily serve on the firing party. 19th C Lee Enfields would be more authentic than a modern automatic weapon.

Oh noooo!!! My poor babies! Staggering and falling and writhing in a withering hail of bullets! They're going to end up becoming EXTINCT, and then what will I do? *sob* *wail* *howl*

(Can I be drafted onto the squad that strips the bodies, mister commanding officer sir? And maybe collect a few trophies? Please sir?)

Hey you, mxboots888, you can keep your lewd necro hands off my darlings. I'm warning you! They're my chavs, not yours. Do you want to DIE??? - Aww man, cut that out! That is fucking disgusting... lol
 
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You can't have described adequately the real Liverpool chav without mention of the "North Face" accessories - black, of course
 
You can't have described adequately the real Liverpool chav without mention of the "North Face" accessories - black, of course

Hi Sunray. I tend to think of Liverpool trackie-lads as 'scallies' rather than true chavs, and I don't know all that much about them, apart from the fact that they seem to keep their gear a bit cleaner than the Stoke-on-Trent chavs do, and they even wash themselves from time to time. I have issues with Liverpool actually, having nearly been massacred by two squids while trying to cross a road in Toxteth...
 
Maybe the Scouse ones could be eliminated as they leave the dole office - ?
 
Have some fun? Oh yesss!! But I'm not sure what sort of fun yet... I don't want to jump on one and massacre it. That would be an act of pure vandalism. I'll get back to you on that one.

i would totally destroy it. especially if I have seen a flat sixpack belly when it has put its hand down its pants.. id want to utterly destroy it. Should I win and take it home, id ply it with cannabis and alcohol.

Id kill it, i'd rip out its heartbeat and eat it
 
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