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feetboy
13-12-08, 06:49 PM
I am pretty certain that I have depression. Why do i think this?
Because life feels like a constant battle. Everytime something positive happens, something negative happens to throw everything off.
I have exhaustion problems, and I get emotional alot. I don't get emotional over things like people dying or sad things, but over stupid things like the washing machine.

I find it difficult to do simple tasks like clean the house and iron my clothes. I find it almost too much to deal with.

I am not suicidal at all, but I am obsessed with necro.

I can't concentrate on any one thing for a long period of time, and my mind flies away. My brain is so noisy all the time, I am constantly thinking and sometimes my thoughts feel so loud, I am convinced other people hear them.

I don't feel like theres much wrong but I feel that nothing is right. Does this make sense? I don't know why I am so unhappy but I have felt this way for a very long time. Perhaps I have Bi-polar disorder? Perhaps I'm all fucked up by my strange up bringing.

I don't know what it is. I don't feel love or hate much any more, I don't feel anything other than that annoying depressive feeling. I don't even think i feel particularly hopeless, I just feel dull. Its like I've dulled it to cope.

deaddirty
13-12-08, 07:46 PM
Yup, that sounds like depression - possibly the depressive phase of bipolar, but sounds more like straight depression to me. Has it just been just for the last month or so? If so, might be SAD ('seasonal affective disorder') - you're in Scotland, light levels must be very low at present (I'm in northern England - I'm not depressed at the moment, but I'm sleepy and short of energy and enthusiasm, and that's because its dark, cold and wet - presumably even worse where you are).
If it'ds SAD it should improve after Christmas with the daylingt (Good News - the earliest sunset is this weekend, so the evenings are drawing out that little bit even next week, though the mornings are still getting darker).
If it's bad enough that you need to do something about it, counselling, cognitive therapy, and drugs (the prescription sort, not the illegals!) all seem to work well for some people, though none of them work for everyone (modern SSRI antidepressants seem to work very well for some peope, but make others worse - I've a hunch that the ones that SSRIs make worse are actually bipolar but misdiagnosed as depression). And if it's SAD, getting a lightbox can help within days (Google 'SAD lightbox' - there's plenty of mail-order/internet suppliers, and the small ones aren't expensive (but you have to use them for longer each day)). And getting out and just being with cheerful people can make a big difference too! But alcohol doesn't help - it's actually a depressant, though it doesn't feel like it at the time.
You look after yourself feetboy - we don't want to see you starring as a cdg here!

PS. Fine to PM me if you want to talk more about this

Meatpie
13-12-08, 08:44 PM
Shit feet.

Since when?

I mean you are always so chatty and I always manage to have a great laugh with you.

Damn it. Good you are not suicidal though.

Fuck bipolar.

Most dudes here are in and out of depression.

I am bipolar too. I am terribly dissatisfied with life and my obsession is srsly messing with my life.

I suggest you sleep over it, rest for a few days maybe DD is right, its the shorthest days of the year in the northern hemisphere its almost normal to feel worn out.

But mate, we all want you alive and happy so if it gets worse and you feel you can't perform daily tasks, as you said, like taking a shower etc go visit a shrink.

Don't tell them you are necro just say its the financial crisis, foul weather etc.

They will put you on Xanax and you will be as good as new.

Please post again tomorrow. JM will have posted his expert opinion by then, hope he might have better ideas.

We love you feet, don't give in to the winter blues.

Meatpie
15-12-08, 01:05 PM
I had a mental breakdown too today, I went for more tests at the hospital for my throat.

I felt dizzy and wanted to puke.

"Life is hard," my professor from university used to say.

Darkside
15-12-08, 01:28 PM
Ok guys lighten up, we all get pissed off and depressed from time to time. IT'S NORMAL!, suicide, pills booze are not the answer. five of my old school friends have commited suicide and what good has it done them or thier families, absolutly fuck all . Yes the winter is shit ,dark and gloomy, every day tasks are a boar, but they need done. Start looking for the good things in life, not the bad . Be strong in mind. We must all be strong willed on this forum because straight "normal" people have topped themselves and had far less problems in life than we do. WE ARE GAY NECRO AND SIMPLY THE FUCKING BEST THE WORD HAS TO OFFER.
YO FEETBOY, don;t get how you can be depressed , you have a boyfriend and sounds like yopu get quite a few oppertunities to act out some of your dreams, remember life will always get better just give it time, take care and start being posotive not negative .

Meatpie
15-12-08, 01:59 PM
Yeah, just under a week til winter solstice. Its 3 pm here and already dark. The lights are on all day long in Sofia.

feetboy
15-12-08, 03:20 PM
i know i know i know you're right, when we are depressed, the best thing to do is get on with life and pull ourselves together- because if not, we will get REALLY ill.

Like i said, i am not wanting to kill myself. I have a boyfriend but i don't get that much opportunity to act out fantasies - we do normal stuff. I think he might suspect i'm necro but we never talk about it. I don't have the guts to bring it up!

I'd love to just play dead and be flopped around like on morbidtech.

One thing I'd like to do is for a guy to play dead for me, and i perform a preparation on him, bathing his dead body, and drying him, then closing his eyes and setting him in position to be embalmed and put in his coffin. then, i'd like to have sex with his feet and his face, close his eyes and put a sheet over him, tag his toes and leave his feet exposed from the sheet, and take pics.

Meatpie
15-12-08, 03:42 PM
You are fine feetboy.

I got a total mental breakdown today because my throat is still soar and I went to a hospital for more tests. I went to a ward called "pathology". It was a long silent corrider. I felt like I was in a morgue.

They took samples.

The results won't be in until Thursday. I also barely eat because I feel nauseous.

TOTAL BREAKDOWN today. I can't handle life, I feel dizzy, my hands tremble, I can't stand on my legs when I am under stress.

I will go to another doc tomorrow, who is a friend of my parents.

She will send me to a shrink because I am terrified of cancer and the surgeries they perform for it.

I also want to kill myself with pills if life gets unbearable.

So basically I am much worse off than you.

I have a sister and she was diagnosed depression and suffers panic attacks.

I guess it runs in the family...

feetboy
15-12-08, 03:45 PM
Meatpie I want to lie down beside you and give you a hug. well for starters anyway.....

Meatpie
15-12-08, 03:47 PM
I feel I am gonna die soon mate.

I will kill myself with pills, I can't take life anymore. I am really down. I see no point in living, just pain, disease, injury and old age..:(

and car wrecks

feetboy
15-12-08, 11:13 PM
i wanna be with you and make you feel better meatpie, i don't want you to die young. you are a beautiful guy. and you have proved yourself on this forum that you are not a sick fuck, but you are a sensitive and intelligent guy who has lots to offer the world.

Meatpie
16-12-08, 08:31 PM
Human life is meaningless. I have nothing to offer to this planet, spinning out of control toward its own end.

The human body is needed in the universe, its natural because we burn calories, we do work on the universe and release energy in the form of heat.

This is called entropy and it the only reasonable explanation for living things. You can research it further on the net.

Apart from that, human life is total crap. We bring chaos and transfer energy into heat and we contribute to the total entropy of the universe.

Thats about it. I have no other reasonable explanation for life and all the meangless crap around us, like cars etc.

Its hilarious when I see people in a rush hour runing etc and trying to make money.

What for? Its meanigless.

bindiboi
16-12-08, 09:05 PM
Sometimes the best thing to do is to talk about it. I have an issue with what Darkside said. I have been bipolar for over 10 years. When you have a mental illness like bipolar and depression you can't just simply, "lighten up" and get over it. You can have everything going right for you. Have a boyfriend, have a great job, and have everything perfect, but still feel like shit and really depressed.
Me, I have to take meds. I don't want to, but if I don't I become a different person. Paranoid, angry, over emotional, and super depressed. Right now, the holidays does not help.
Hang in there Feet, you have a network of friends here.

Meatpie
26-04-09, 12:14 PM
bindi man where are you? I miss you :(

Darkside
26-04-09, 02:31 PM
Hi Bindi, sorry if i pissed you off, i just don't get this depresion/ bipolar thing, maybe i am wierder than i thought, i understand that it must be hell to go through these sort of emotions but i just don't get them, yes i can be happy occasionaly slightly upset and more often just plain pissed off with people, but none of these things realy bother me that much, i just think oh well fuck them and get on with something else, when i was a teenager i did have many dark thoughts about doing serious harm to my self and more often to others, but i managed to control my urges and i think reality kicked in and either grew out or learned to control these very dark thoughts, Now i just think people can like me or hate me, but i realy couldn't give a flying fuck either way. The same goes for my job and every thing else in life, i do my best and if that's not good enough for anyone then fuck them. I won't waste time or effort thinking about what might happen or what i would wish would happen, it's far easyier to accept what is and just keep living through it.
Thats me weird and content.

Meatpie
26-04-09, 03:28 PM
You are awesome dude Darkside, hope one day I become like you.

Amazing view on life, wish I was like that too - not care as you said.

I have those dark thoughts when I shag alive guys, I sometimes so wish they were dead and stab them with a knife.

Once a dude fell asleep in my bed stark naked.

I got so hard, so fucking hard I could cum without touching myself.

I played with his feet then jacked off over him two times.

Then I went to bed with him naked and fell asleep only to wake up with a boner again and him hugging me.

And btw I think bindi is dead as he no longer logs on to this webstie and doesn't reply to any email.

Darkside
26-04-09, 06:33 PM
Bloody hell, not another one, we can't keep loosing friends at this rate.
I always thought of us necros as mentaly stronger than the average straight guy, as society frowns on us and people shun our desires, i always thought this made us stronger. We have to be to simply survive from day to day.
Enough is enough as from today i ban anyone from harming themselves in any way.
Listen up guys , we are all friends here and are here to talk when needed!.
No more of this giving in and ending it all stuff, be strong get angry show the world and all the bastards in it you are worth more than they think, harming yourself just lets the world know that it and all the shit heads in it has won.
We are all better than that. NEVER GIVE UP HOPE, NEVER GIVE IN TO OTHERS OPINIONS AND FUCK THE WORLD . WE ARE RIGHT, WE ARE STRONG, ONLY WHAT YOU REALY WANT MATTERS.

Meatpie
26-04-09, 07:15 PM
We are stronger yes.

I think one has to be brave to fucking go to a morgue, ask for a job then go straight to the dissection room where the guys are with open skulls and mangled from car wrecks, see decomposition first hand and smell 150 rotting bodies on a pile and see how humans turn to water and fat and leak after they die.

Most "normal" people would be horrified simply by the idea of entering such a place.

I enjoyed it but failed. Something snapped in me after that day, I went back to file my documents but I couldn't make a single step into the building, I just froze right there on the doorstep.

I guess this was some instinct to protect me from the rotters.

So we maybe strong but we are not fucking made from steel.

And yes normal people do get depressed from time to time.

I consider myself a total failure Dark, and a pussy. A fucking snatch.

I arrived at my dream and couldn't take it. What could be worse punishment for a necro than this?

Now I will jerk to pics and vids instead of playing with hairy dead naked guys at the morgue.

I don't see any point in my life anymore.

I hate moaning and groaning all I wanted to say was that I understand why some people can't find anything interesting in life.

Dreams sometimes can be hard to achive or worse still, hard to TAKE.

Darkside
26-04-09, 07:28 PM
You DID NOT FAIL, you saw a chance to get what you wanted and took it, this time it didn't work out the way you wanted. There will always be more and other opertunities, give it time, things will work themselves out in time, they always do.
You tried it didn't work out, but you had the balls to try and that is what is most important. It's better to regret trying something than regret not even trying.
Who knows in the future you may try for a job in a better, cleaner properly run morgue and you will have a better chance of getting a job there as you can now say you have previous experiance on your C.V. (YOU DON'YT NEED TO MENTION IT WAS ONLY FOR A DAY OR TWO IN AN ABSOLUTE SHIT HOLE MORGUE WITH SOME REAL SHIT HEAD WORKERS)
everything happens for a reason and things always have a strange way of working themselves out.
MEATPIE IS NOT A PUSSY and NOT A FAILURE, THE JOB FAILED HIM, HE DIDN'T FAIL THE JOB.

Meatpie
26-04-09, 07:33 PM
I don't know what to think I am very confused. I should have been more brave and take it, even for a month, it would have been amazing fun.

Anyway, enough about me.

Tell me whats your dream?

...apart from shaggin the str8 guys in your neighbourhood?

You must be a very happy person since you don't get depressed as often as the other guys here.

Darkside
26-04-09, 08:10 PM
Like every one here, we all want loved and accepted for what and who we are.
I am exactly the same, the differance is i have learned that this will probably never happen and came to terms with that fact a long time ago. I have come to terms that the occasional shag with an alive guy may be as good as it gets, and like you said Meatpie all of these guys are caught up in thier own importance excet one, he is married and has kids and just won't admit his true sexuallity, he is such a good looker with a tight ass and big cock so the need for sex is far more important than any emotional need.
the trouble with the guys i know is thatthey are not usually the ones i want. I still lust after straight guys more.
My dreams are the same as everyone here , i like the bodies virtually undamaged and fresh, guys in biker leathers as you know. guys in cycle gear and wet suits , uniforms all the usual predictable queer fettish stuff.
My ultamate dream, be out driving in my car and find a crashed biker with a broken neck so that although dead the body is relativly undamaged,drag him in to my car and take him home, dump his body on the kitchen table and slowly strip him down, drag him to the bath and get in it with him and basically fuck him stupid. all the usuall normal stuff.
As for the depressed stuff, I guess it's just the way i am, everyone who knows me always remarks that i always appear happy and that nothing ever gets me down, they also remark that on the very few occasions that i am down that it is best to stay well out of my way, as if i loose my temper someone or something will get damaged.
I guess my depressive state( if thats what you want to call it) is relpaced by one of violence, so it is just as well i don't get depressed.
Yes i am mostly happy/ content.