View Full Version : Will I ever find the source?

22-03-09, 07:58 PM
I have always wondered what the etiology of my necro/gay behaviors is. So many people in this forum tend to report similar feelings, desires, and wishes. I figure this is a good place to start to delineate where the necro desires originate.

One of my first memories of sexual satisfaction (with a necro theme) was when I was 7 or 8. It was actually with a girl that lived downstairs from me. I grew up in an apartment in NYC. The girl that lived downstairs was a friend from school and we often spent afternoons and weekends together. I remember one evening when she was over; our parents were spending time together in the living room, while the girl and I were playing in my room. Some how we ended up in my bed. I remember we were playing a game under my covers. I told her to pretend there were "bad people" shooting at us. I then told her to pretend she got hit by a bullet. As she pretended I remember lying there rubbing against her. I was to young to realize at the time that I was sexually stimulating myself, but looking back that was certainly what the feeling was. I also have memories a few years later playing similar "shooting games" with male friends. We would lay on top of one another and take turns getting shot.

At the age of 16 I had a friend who was gay. At the time I was completely in the closet and would not admit to anyone that I had homosexual feelings. We got into a habit of playing a game called "bang bang." We gave it an innocent name and never admitted to each other what we were really doing. We would take turns pretending to shoot each other and would rub against each other as we pretend to die.

So many of these memories have been repressed for so long. I have never revealed these experiences to anyone. Looking back I could begin to uncover the systematic development of my now "homo-necro behaviors." How many in this forum have similar experiences? Where do you pinpoint the origin of your necro fantasies? I wonder if these fantasies are simply a result of conditioning. Similar to that of the work of Thorndike, Pavlov, and Skinner. Just accidental pairings of stimuli that take place over time in ones life; the simple paring of sexual stimulation with the imagery of a male dying. Over time will the vision of the male dying elicit sexual satisfaction? The eventual net result is necro! Please feel free to give your own input.